Adult Children Need to Get Along For the Holidays
As adult siblings gather over the holidays, they need to work towards synergy, not slug-fests when caring for elderly parents.
Relationships between adult siblings can range from close to contentious, delightful to distant, and relaxed to stressful; add in the element of caring for aging parents, and the dynamics get even more complex.
Engrained relationship patterns only seem to magnify as adult siblings "come home" for the holidays -- perhaps for the first time in a while -- to find that Mom or Dad has slipped more then they realized and that each sibling may have a very different opinion of how to address the issues.
To help make this process a little easier, be on the look-out early for six warning signs that a senior loved one might need some extra help, and try to navigate around the common pitfalls many siblings can fall into.
1. Watch For The Warning Signs
In addition to the general, telltale signs that an aging parent may need more help at home like increasingly frailty or decreasing memory, look for other tangible signals: Is food spoiling in the fridge vs. being eaten? Has Mom or Dad stopped grooming? Is their pillbox up to date and in sync with the day? Does their car have new scratches or dings? Is the mail piling up? Are towel bars or shower curtains damaged indicating they may be being used for support or balance? Noting and talking about these signs with siblings can help determine when it's time to get more help in.
2. Come to an Early & Common Understanding of What Care "Looks Like"
The best time for siblings to talk about Mom or Dad's needs are before requirements or crisis hits, but for most families it takes a big change in health, a death, or some other watershed moment to broach the subject. Whenever the conversation does happens, one of the first things to get out on the table is each sibling's expectations of what "caring for Mom and Dad" means. One sibling may think daily or overnight care is needed while another thinks less coverage will do. Two may think bringing in outside services is a no brainer while others worry about the cost or their parent's comfort level with hired caregivers. The sooner and more direct these expectations are discussed, the more likely siblings will find good compromises for each other and their parents, and the easier it will be to evolve assistance over time as needs advance.
3. Give Care From The Heart But Manage Care From the Head
It's a given that shared caregiving for parents will be filled with many emotions, but as much as possible, adult siblings should try to approach the management of a parent's care (at least behind the scenes ) like a business. Making decisions and sharing concerns, creating realistic care schedules, deciding on the types of services needed, and working with professional caregivers requires organization and communication between siblings. To streamline care decisions further, some siblings decide to choose one brother or sister to serve as a primary caregiving manager while others play a strong supporting role.
4. Try to Use Differences to Your Advantage
As all families know, siblings can be dramatically different from one another and likely have been all their lives. One may be very detail oriented while another is a free spirit. One may be handy while another is all thumbs, or one could have strong financial means... while another is just getting by. Some siblings live very close to Mom and Dad while others are thousands of miles away. Instead of getting on each others' cases about what a particular sibling can't do ... look at your differences in schedules, means, location and talents as an opportunity to cover the full spectrum of things senior parents will need.
5. Don't Let Sibling Dynamics Drown Out Your Parents' Wishes
Most siblings go into caring for their parents with the best intentions to respect their parent's wishes and to work together; but funny things can happen despite. When things get heated or disconnects arise, step back as a group and refocus on your collective caregiving goals. Also remember that -- barring any major physical or memory issues -- your parents still want to feel valued and as independent as possible. Siblings as individuals and as a group need to try and respect this.
6. Take Time Out So You Don't Burn Out
Not every family has a sibling network that they can rely on to care for aging parents. If you are lucky enough to have this - on any level- make sure you remember to support each other in taking breaks so you all can keep up with the rigors of caregiving. Also be sure to identify and line up a support network beyond your siblings which can include neighbors, friends, professional caregivers, medical professionals and local resources like senior centers.
To learn more about Home Instead Senior Care of Northborough and Natick, please visit:
www.hearthside-homeinstead.com
Have a happy, healthy and safe Thanksgiving Holiday!
From all of us at Home Instead Senior Care.
Home Instead Senior Care: Trusted Care for the Senior You Care For
