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NEWS FROM HOME INSTEAD SENIOR CARE

Sibling Communication

An important resource for your aging parents

Family peace and harmony can be difficult at any stage of life. As our parents grow older and become frailer, brothers and sisters find new obstacles to togetherness at a time they need to rely on one another. Sibling rivalry can emerge or intensify as adult children vie, for a parent's love or financial support. And as parents grow dependent on children, the desire to cling to old, familiar roles can create a dysfunctional mess. Often times the love for a parent is the only common bond among siblings. And their health and well being is what siblings need to focus on.

Today, with the economy and household finances in disrepair, such strains are more pronounced. According to a recent report by the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP, about 43.5 million Americans look after someone 50 or older, 28% more than in 2004. Due to the difficulties of the economy a smaller percentage are hiring help. and more are reaching out to unpaid help, such as family and friends.

Siblings who work together, can help preserve one another's health and sanity as well as the link to their first family.

With that in mind, here's a look at the challenges brothers and sisters might face when caring for aging parents, along with advice on how to navigate this transition.

Starting Fresh
As difficult as it can be to leave entrenched roles behind, siblings should try to wipe the slate clean. Do not define your sibling's role in the care of your parents by their distant past behaviors. Moved beyond the labels that defined them growing up. However, families must take steps to hold everyone accountable by dividing tasks and having a system of checks and balances

Asking for Support

The majority of families fall back on one primary caregiver-often, a daughter or the child who lives closest to the parents. Among caregivers nationwide, fewer than 10% say there is an equal division of labor, according to the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP, the Washington-based advocacy group.

For those taking the lead, the stress can be significant. According to the recent NAC/AARP survey, 17% said the responsibility had taken a toll on their health, and 31% described the situation as emotionally stressful. Among those with jobs, two-thirds said they had gone to work late, left early or taken time off. And 15% said they had made significant financial sacrifices.

Primary caregivers in this situation must ask for help immediately. Call a family meeting, to discuss how the responsibilities can be shared. If family members are at odds, consider hiring a geriatric-care manager (caremanager.org), a mediator who specializes in the elderly (mediate.com) or a family therapist.

Help From a Distance
Technological advances have made it easier for long distant siblings to get involved. Web sites, such as GenerationsUnite.com and caregiverhelper.com make it possible for the entire family to access a parent's calendar or documents such as medical records.

Moreover, you don't have to live nearby to pay bills, talk with doctors and insurers, or locate transportation and paid help.

When playing a supporting role, experts caution not to criticize or second-guess. Understand that in a short visit you may not see the same behavior your caregiving sibling does. If your sibling rebuffs your offers to help, keep asking. You might also ask a third party-such as a friend or clergy member-to lobby on your behalf.

Building Consensus
Siblings often have different ideas about everything from whether an aging parent should live independently to how often they should visit.
To further complicate matters, brothers and sisters often come to grips with a parent's decline at different times. Some may be in denial. But parents can also "put on a good show" for children they don't see often.Siblings need to be flexible. Don't insist there is one right way to do or see things.

Opinion Shift
Family members come around gradually. It's crucial to share information with your siblings-for example, by sending them quarterly updates on your parent medical condition(s), changes in house hold activity, major financial decisions and any money you may have spent. Include your siblings in as many important decisions as is practical. Otherwise can distrust and suspicion builds. Additionally, when caregivers make financial sacrifices, elder-law attorneys say it can be appropriate to compensate them.

Write It Down
The family should document the caregiver's responsibilities, hours and pay, in a formal contract and disclose the arrangements to everyone in the family. If the parent may need to rely on Medicaid to cover future nursing home costs, the family also should consult an elder-law attorney about how to avoid the appearance of trying to hide assets.

This information was obtained from an article in The Wall Street Journal titled "When Siblings Step Up" published 3/21/2010.

Written by Anne Tergesen

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Home Instead Senior Care: Trusted Care for the Senior You Care For

April 2010