Every September, the question I am asked the most by middle school parents is: "how involved should I be with my child's school work?"  It's a great question, because as middle school children are changing physically and mentally, your involvement in your child's academic life will also change.  Taking a broader view, a more comprehensive question would be: "how do I create a positive and productive learning experience for my child?"  In the end, we all want our children to emerge from these years of change as healthy young adults, so let's examine five principles for growing vibrant adolescents.
 
Growth vs. Fixed
Make time to talk with your child about growing and improving.  Carol Dweck, Stanford professor and author of Mindset, tells us that children who are more focused on learning for the sake of learning and improving--as opposed to children who are fixed on results--are more motivated academically and more likely to embrace academic challenge.  Make conversation about school a daily routine, and think carefully about the questions you ask and the praise you give.  Do your questions foster learning and growing (and thus deep discussion), or do they encourage fixed answers which sometimes elicit extreme emotion?  When you offer praise to your child, praise their effort and preparation as opposed to the end result.  If they did indeed score well on a test or paper, reinforce why that happened.  Conversely, if they did not score as well as they would have liked, talk about what went wrong in the process.  We all want to raise children who love school, so help them develop what Carol Dweck calls a growth mindset. (Above, Ms. DeCarlo with her sixth grade advisory group)
 
Make Room for Mistakes
Positive, productive adults understand that mistakes are part of life.  Even Derek Jeter fails 70% of the time during his at-bats, yet he is considered to be one of the best players in baseball!  Help your child to understand that stubbing your toe is allowed.  It is human nature to occasionally forget a homework assignment, or to drop the ball on a permission slip, or even to score poorly on a test.  We know this as adults, but make sure your child realizes that perfection is not the answer.  When these bumps do occur, talk to your child about the rocky terrain and then help them climb over it.  It is even o.k. to let your child struggle a bit--even if you see it happening--because sometimes when they work through issues themselves, they will be stronger in the end.  The goal is to produce life-long learners, so think of school as a cross-country race as opposed to a sprint.  Handle your child's mistakes calmly, because children are expert body language readers.  It is certainly fine to be disappointed in the outcome of something, but raising resilient kids is one of the most important things we can do as parents and adults.  Teach your child how to handle failure.
 
Over the Shoulder
So, how involved should you be in your child's school work?  Of course, every student has different needs, and your level of involvement will change from fifth to eighth grade, but in general I suggest an "over the shoulder" approach.  In other words, you should pay attention to your child's academic work, but you should not be doing their work for them.  Pay attention to teacher websites and have conversations with your child about upcoming papers and tests, but let them sort through the details.  If they are confused about an assignment or do not understand a concept, ask leading questions.  Help them to problem solve for themselves (think cross-country race).  Establish a work space in the dining room or in a common study, and create a nook for your child that he or she can own.  Build shelves or designate some drawers for them; give them the framework for structure and then let them take ownership over their study space.  The key is to set them up for success.  For more information, read "Upgrading the Homework Space" from the Morning Call (September 1).
 
School Life vs. Home Life
Actually, a better title for this section should read "Creating Symphony between Home and School."  In a symphony orchestra, all of the different parts of a piece of music work together to create harmony.  While creating your child's schedule, think about having the different pieces of school, outside activities, family life, and homework work in harmony with one another.  In layman's terms, avoid over-scheduling.  Physical activity should be complemented with quiet time for homework (left, Eric enjoys a little after-school Fitness Club activity).  Running from one event to another happens in all of our lives, but making a habit of scrambling around in order to "keep up with the Joneses" might not be the healthiest thing for your growing middle schooler. 

 

As much as possible, establish a routine that is easy for your child to follow.  Build family time into your schedule, because going for a Saturday bike ride with you family, for example, is a great way to talk to your kids about their lives without making it a formal, intimidating discussion (trust me, I just did this with our eighth graders and they were eager to talk about their lives).  It seems that family time on a Saturday is a lost art, but make it work.  Look at the pieces in your child's life and put them together in a structured, reasonable manner.  School should not pressure family life, and family life, including outside of school activities, should not cause stress in school life.
 
Team of Support
Build a network of adults around your child.  This obviously includes working together with teachers, coaches, and administrators at school, but it may also involve extended family members and family friends.  Every middle schooler needs to feel a sense of belonging and a sense of importance, so having adults around that regularly check-in with your child goes a long way toward building confidence.  The summer edition of Independent School magazine has a great article regarding the importance of a team approach to your child's education.  Stated by author Joe Bruzzese: "given the influence that teachers, coaches, mentors, and extended family members have on a child's development, the necessity for building a relationship with this group of people has never been greater."  Surround your middle schooler with positive people, and provide opportunities for connections.  Reach out to the teachers at school, lean on your child's Advisor, and make sure your middle schooler knows that there are lots of people out there who care about what is happening in their life.  Joe Bruzzese is the author of a Parents' Guide to the Middle School Years, and he also has an excellent website called Thinking Forward specifically devoted to the middle school years. (above, Mr. Wagner connects with three of his advisees, Anna, Ashley, and Pierre)
 
I hope you are enjoying this new school year with your middle schooler(s).  These years can be challenging both mentally and physically because of all of the changes happening inside of their bodies, but this time can also be a time of great excitement.  Middle school is a time for your child to explore all of the possibilities of life, to develop a passion for learning, and to create friendships that in some cases will last a lifetime.  Celebrate these years with your child, and help them develop into the leaders of tomorrow.