We call autumn fall for the leaves falling during nature's transition to winter slumber. Fall is such a simple description of the season. But just as the leaves change, so can our moods. Feelings like melancholy and longing can sabotage our efforts to care for ourselves physically, mentally and spiritually.

The word fall can also mean to descend, to suffer, to be defeated, to fail or to decline in quality. Who hasn't found themselves identifying with these meanings while mourning the loss of a loved one? Sometimes it's easier to fall than to be well, but taking care of yourself is essential to honoring the memory of the one you love.

Since everyone's grief is unique, self-care can begin by allowing yourself to feel as many emotions as there are colors in the leaves. Giving yourself this permission doesn't mean you're falling. It means you're giving yourself the right to feel, to talk about your grief, to be silent, and to be fully present in the moment.

With all this emotion, don't forget to rest, eat well and take a balanced approach to life. Fatigue is a sure way to fall. As C.S. Lewis said, "no one ever told me about the laziness of grief." He must have known the sheer exhaustion of grieving.

To lessen the blows of grief, author, educator and grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt recommends:

• Exercise
• Limiting fatty foods
• Quitting smoking
• Getting plenty of sleep
• Scheduling a physical
• Drinking plenty of water
• Building strong relationships
• LAUGHING

This autumn, think of it less as a time to fall, but more of a time of beauty and transition. Maybe even a time to nurture ourselves and our memories, just as mother earth nurtures herself and prepares for change.

-- Kimberly

Dear Kimberly,

My sincere condolences on the recent death of your husband. It sounds like your son may see his father's death as a release from a slow decline or chronic illness, and a relief to any suffering. When there is meaningless pain associated with continued life, it is not uncommon to look to death as a reprieve. Nevertheless, your son's feelings about his father's absence in his life will probably surface at different times in his life. Your son may miss his father most acutely during family celebrations, life transition points, and anniversaries.

Though your son "seems fine" after his father's recent death, your son's grief work may ebb and flow with different intensities depending on what is happening in his life, and the support he needs. You can assist your son best by allowing whatever feelings emerge, and help him to express and move the grief from his body. You know your son best, so encourage him in the way that is most authentic for him; that might be writing a song, running a race, or building a memorial bench.

It sounds like you are concerned that his next birthday celebration not be confused with the grief of his father's death. Perhaps the best way to "handle" the anniversaries is to acknowledge the complexity of life. Talk with your son well before his next birthday and ask him his feelings, his needs, and his preferences. These may all change year to year. You will honor him best by listening as he finds meaning to both events. And then you can help him commemorate both in ways that are most helpful to him.

One of life's lessons may be that each event is separate and distinguishable, yet when woven together can create a strong fabric for a life of compassion, empathy, and service.   We can use our losses and sadness to bring more joy and meaning to our lives, and the lives of others. Your son's next birthday need not be one shrouded in sadness.

Wouldn't it be an amazing birthday if you were to help him identify the ways his father's life continues to bless and strength him, and the ways that he is carrying his father in his heart?!

Love lives on,

 Lani    

• Fredericksburg - Mary Washington Hospital's annual Angel Tree Celebration will be held on Friday, November 16th from 6:30 pm to 8:00 pm at the Fick Conference Center Auditorium on the Mary Washington Hospital Campus. If you have any questions about the event, please call Amy Dahart at 540-786-4092.
• Richmond - Donate Life Virginia will host their annual Tree of Life Ceremony at the UNOS building on Thursday, December 6th from 5:00 pm to 7:00 pm. Please call Georganna Kelly at 1-800-847-7831 ext. 4305 for more information.
• Roanoke - LifeNet Health Western Virginia and Old Dominion Eye Foundation (ODEF) will host the annual Holiday Tree of Remembrance Ceremony at Hotel Roanoke on Sunday, December 9th from 2:00 pm to 4:00 pm. Please call Tina Pierce at 1-800-847-7831 ext. 4903 for more information.

Allen Simmons, at right, beloved husband of Bonnie "Kay" Simmons, recently met Joseph King, recipient of his wife's heart, in Charlottesville at Carmello's, Kay's favorite Italian restaurant. If you attended last year's Holiday Tree Ceremony in Roanoke, you may recognize Joe as the guest speaker.

LifeNet Health Florida will host their annual In Celebration & Remembrance Ceremony on Thursday, November 1st from 6:30 pm to 8:00 pm at St. Francis Barracks Officer's Club in St. Augustine. An event will also be held in northwest Florida. Watch the mail for your invitation.