Thinking of Rebuilding 'trust"....Read this first

Definition of "trust".......defined as "reliance on another person or entity"

As relationships develop we not only believe that trust is present but we believe that trust will always be a present in our significant relationships.  The definition suggests that when we enter into a relationship with someone we feel close to, we rely on that person and believe that we can count on them to be there for us both through good times as well as through bad times.  This belief often changes dramatically after infidelity is discovered and the trust we had for our partner is lost.  From the point of discovery of the affair, if the couple tries to stay together they are faced with the task of rebuilding trust.

How do people try to regain trust after infidelity?  What I see in my practice is that the hurt partner often tries to regain trust by latching on, holding tight and trying to control the participating partner's every move.  What I frequently see is the hurt partner taking on the responsibility for rebuilding trust, while the participating partner plays a secondary role, or excusing them self of this important task by stating "I've done what I can, now I have to wait for my partner to decide when they are going to trust me again."  If you are the hurt partner, don't you already have enough on your plate?  So the hurt partner may call the participating partner several times a day, or they may check their partner's smartphone or blackberry daily for suspicious emails or text messages.  The hurt partner adopts a new way of behaving that may be obsessive in nature.  Often the hurt partner complains by saying, "I don't like being this way....I wish I could stop", but they can't.  The hurt partner believes that by making the participating partner accountable to them, they will be able to prevent the participating partner from betraying them again.  The hurt partner believes that by taking these steps they will ensure that the choices and actions of the participating partner will not contradict their wedding vows again.  Sounds good, but in my opinion untrue and unattainable!

Two important questions that the participating partner must consider in recovery from infidelity is whether he or she wants to remain in the committed relationship or not (the hurt partner must also answer that question for them self).  The second question is whether the participating partner is prepared to commit them self to rebuilding trust between them and the hurt partner?  In order to do so the participating partner needs to define their positive intention and then act in ways that are consistent with their intention.  The positive intention is defined here as what the person hopes to see in the future for them self, the hurt partner and for their children if there are any.  If the participating partner wants to remain in the committed relationship then a strong indicator of this is whether their actions and decisions are consistent with their positive intention.  In this way the "participating partner" makes the choice to truly participate with the hurt partner in rebuilding the committed relationship.  

So when I speak to couples about rebuilding trust after infidelity I ask them to consider the question "who's responsibility is it to regain trust"?  Often in therapy it is the hurt partner who takes on this responsibility which suggests that they want the relationship more than the participating partner does.  So they grab on and try to control the actions of the participating partner, wanting to know their every move, believing that if the participating partner is accountable to them another betrayal will be averted. 

But while this may provide the hurt partner with a greater sense of safety, I do not believe this rebuilds trust.  My position is that if the participating partner wants to betray again by having another affair, they will as nothing will stop this from happening other than the decisions and choices of  the participating partner him or herself.  My belief is that rebuilding trust after infidelity is the primary responsibility of the participating partner.  In this view the hurt partner may wish to consider loosening their grip so they can let the participating partner decide if and how they will rebuild trust. 

If at this very moment you as the hurt partner is thinking, "I don't want to be duped again",  I completely understand.  But still, I ask you to consider whether you can loosen your hold on your partner instead of tightening it.  Doing so will allow the room required to determine whether trust can and will be resurrected in the relationship. 

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Comments?  I would enjoy hearing from you.  Feel free to email me your ideas at david@mylifeafteranaffair.com.  Let me know whether there are any topics you would like me to discuss in future newsletters.

Wishing you the best!