Recovering from Infidelity....some helpful tips to remember and use......
Whether you are the hurt partner or the participating partner there are things that each of you should be doing to make the path to recovery easier for both of you. I am tired of professionals who insist on reminding people how hard it is to recover from infidelity. After all anyone who has been or is in this position already know that it is difficult, even better than the professional who is telling them.
My view is that people need tips, practical guidance and direction. People need a compass or relationship GPS that decreases the confusion and aids in the recovery so they can distance themself from a place they not only don't want to be in, but one they wish to leave as soon as possible. Grief is a part of any loss but the grief response should on average last no longer than six months. From then on people should begin to feel some relief and then begin to move on with their life. The rest of this article provides a few helpful tips that do just that.
a) Regulating Emotions
Regardless of whether a person is an introvert or an extrovert, after infidelity emotions range from numbness to extreme anger and everything in between. What may surprise you is that even well after the discovery of the affair a person can get triggered unexpectedly...this is inevitable and when this happens emotions may seem uncontrollable. Sometimes it will be helpful for the person to share their emotions with their partner while at other times it may not be helpful to do so. Still at other times while it may be helpful to share emotions with their partner about how they are feeling it may not be possible to do so because their partner may not be at home at the time they get triggered. Nobody can predict when a trigger will occur or what will cause it, so what do you do?
It is important for each of us to have effective coping strategies that help us to regulate, or manage our emotions. Some very helpful techniques that are available to each of us is meditation, imagery and exercise such as jogging and walking. Watching what you eat and drink is important as some foods create a stressful response while others are more soothing, calming and easier on our digestive systems. For instance, caffeine should be avoided when we experience stress. More information on this will be provided on my website in the future but until then, I recommend that you consult with either your family doctor, or a nutritionist.
b) Nothing is Common-Sense
Don't assume that your partner should know things just because.... Don't get caught in the trap of thinking your partner should "know things because....isn't it common-sense?". There are no shoulds in life before infidelity and there certainly aren't any shoulds after infidelity. It is not uncommon to hear couples say they are able to finish each others' sentences and often we hear a spouse say, "I know him (or her) so well that I can predict their next thought." Statements like these are based on trust....trust that one spouse knows who their spouse is, but this unconditional trust ends after infidelity. Day after day in sessions I hear a hurt spouse tell their partner "I don't know who you are anymore" and after infidelity this, unfortunately becomes the new reality that may last for a short time, or in some cases, it may last forever.
Infidelity means loss of trust and while a couple may have spent the majority of time they have been committed to one another taking things for granted or just believing they knew who their spouse was, this innocence was lost the instance the hurt partner became aware of the other relationship.
If you are the participating partner my advice is don't assume that your spouse will give you the benefit of the doubt and certainly do not take anything for granted. Take the time to explain yourself and always try to put yourself in the position of your partner who is and who experiences life as the hurt partner. Regardless of whether you are the participating partner or the hurt partner, when you notice your spouse not looking or acting right...when he or she just doesn't seem right, respond with a desire to understand and try to avoid making the assumption that your partner is being difficult, unreasonable or bitter. He or she probably is not.
c) Triggers Will Happen
Triggers are inevitable and while they will be strongest immediately after disclosure of an affair, they often persist long after discovery of an affair. A trigger can come from an undetermined place and occur for what may seem to be for no reason. However there is always a reason and you should never assume that your partner is reacting negatively on purpose, just to make you feel bad. It is not volitional and it is not a choice, after all it takes a lot out of your partner to be upset! After all why would anyone choose to go to a dark, unpleasant and hurtful place which is exactly what happens when a person gets triggered.
Take a moment and think back. Ask yourself whether you have ever been triggered? Did you consciously choose to go there? Why would your partner?
Generally people do not choose to feel upset or miserable. The normal "human condition" is to seek happiness, joy and fulfilling realtionships. Why then would anyone choose to feel contrary to how we are biologically programmed to feel? The simple answer is few of us would so avoid making that assumption and instead try to respond with compassion and understanding....it will make life and your recovery that much easier for you and your partner.
These tips are intended to ease recovery after infidelity. My recommendation is that you incorporate them into your daily repertoire of how you interact with your partner. They are effective and they help rebuild trust and increase emotional intimacy, two factors that are imperative in any committed relationship.
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