How Forgiveness Can Benefit the Hurt Partner
You are the hurt partner and if you recently discovered that your partner had an affair you feel as though your world has been shattered beyond recognition. You feel as though your life as you knew it. has died. You doubt much of your life and your partner instantly appears as a stranger to you. You may find yourself asking your partner, "who are you?"
You reach for something to grab onto...a branch, a twig...anything that might provide stability. You feel desperate and you think, "until I find that something my life will continue to feel just like it does right now, as though I am in a terrifying free fall that has no end falling further and further into an endless abyss." As the hurt partner you are in pain and desperate to find relief from the hurt and deep, merciless pain that has been imposed upon you. This may sound impossible but there is relief ahead.
While I believe that people survive infidelity, how they do it is not always clear. Those who survive infidelity and grow from this painful experience have been able to live a more full and complete life in which they become a better version of them self. Stated otherwise they grow into becoming the person they were intended to be, less encumbered by the actions of others. However on the other hand those who merely survive infidelity, those who mostly rely on the passage of time emerge from their journey feeling weighed down, more skeptical and scarred by the past. For obvious reasons they are less able to trust others and they hold them self back. While they may enter into other intimate relationships they do so feeling less whole and as a result less prepared to fully engage in that relationship. After all most will agree that it is hard to be emotionally open and available when it is hard to trust.
In my opinion learning how to forgive is integral to surviving infidelity or for that matter, any other major trauma that may be experienced in life. Learning how to forgive prepares a path for the person from which the "forgiver" can live a life that is richer, more wholesome and much kinder to both them self and to others who they come into contact with. Part of my training as a Forgiverness Trainer was with Jed Rosen, a private therapist who practices in the New Jersey area in the United States. In one of his presentations Jed stated "in order to forgive, you have to grieve and in order to grieve you have to forgive." In other words, you cannot do one without the other and because people try to do just that, it is one of the reasons many people stay stuck for many years and sometimes forever. Dr. Fred Luskin stated, being hurt is a natural condition of life and because of this, forgiveness is also a natural condition of life. The problem is that most of us have never learned how to both grieve and forgive. Considering Dr. Luskin's message I add that each of us has a responsibility to our self, that being to learn how to grieve all losses properly, including infidelity. We also have the responsibility to take the time to learn how to forgive.
Forgiveness does not mean that you condone what happened. Forgiveness does not mean that you accept that what someone did to you was alright, because it is never alright for anyone to hurt another person. However being hurt does happen in life and when we forgive it means that you stop wishing for a better past. Forgiveness means that you "let go" of something that you either got that you didn't want, or you wanted something that you didn't get and you develop what Dr. Luskin refersd to as a grievance story. You can't change what happened and what forgiveness lets you do is move on....away from the past. It allows you to live in the present with a greater ability to appreciate what you have instead of focusing on what you don't have or didn't get. Forgiveness also does not mean that you will reconcile with the person who hurt you, because when you forgive you can conclude that it is best for you and the other person not to have anything to do with one another. You may decide to wish that person well and to say "that our paths will never cross again."
The benefits to forgiving another person are boundless. It can unchain you and allow you to live in the present moment so you can focus on the only moment that is important, the moment of NOW!. It can empower you and stop you from continuing to try to change the unchangeable past. Because you will feel less stress you will also experience multiple health benefits and you will find yourself being able to appreciate whatever you are doing and you will be able to appreciate your personal and professional relationships more fully.
In addition to being a clincal therapist I am also a Forgiveness Trainer. I have both personally experienced the benefits of forgiveness and I have seen others benefit from learning how to forgive. If you visit my website you will be able to read about the "9 Steps to Forgiveness" as formulated by Dr. Fred Luskin.
As Dr. Luskin said, "being hurt is a natural part of life". You can learn how to forgive and in so-doing, you can begin to benefit from this powerful tool by making it a regular part of each day of your life.
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