The Holiday Season is just around the corner and because of the affair it is likely that this special time of year feels different.  Often Christmas is a time of year that people associate with family and togetherness while, New Year is associated with anticipation and hope for a better year.  But what happens when circumstances leave you unsure of how you feel about family and you are feeling apprehensive about what the New Year may hold in store for you?  It is definitely understandable if this is the way you feel, so I invite you to continue reading to learn a few important tips on what you can do to make it through this holiday season.

Emotionally you may not feel the way you would like to and people you know may expect more of you than you can give.  Privately you may be hoping this holiday season is more low key than it has been in past years, so why not give yourself permission to do just that.  My advice is forget about any expectations that others may have for how you should behave, or what you should do .  You've been through a lot this year, so this is time to take care of you!

Tips

1.  Do not ignore what your heart and your head is telling you.  It is important to honour your feelings and to respect yourself.  Consider discussing how you are feeling with your partner and see if the two of you can find solutions to any issues raised.  To your surprise you may find your partner feels the same way you do.  Try to discuss your issues and concerns well in advance of December 24^th  to allow enough time to find creative solutions. 

If you and your partner do not feel the same way these discussions may be more difficult so be careful to monitor your emotions.  You want these conversations to be as productive as possible and they won't be if one or both of you allows your anger to get out of control.  If you find yourself becoming emotional, my advice is for you to wait until the negative emotions subside.  Once they do, try again.

If possible it may be best not to ignore these special days completely particularly if you have children.  It is likely that the holiday season is an important time of year for them and why should they lose out completely?  After talking with your partner you and your partner may choose to keep things low key this year.  Instead of celebrating as you have in the past you may decide to spend time as a family playing board games, going out for dinner, or watching a movie together.  If you choose to watch a movie my advice is to carefully choose a movie that is least likely to produce flashbacks or sad feelings.  Whatever you do you want the experience to be as enjoyable as possible for everyone.

If on the other hand you and your partner find it impossible to be together during the holiday season then it is best to acknowledge this and make plans for the holidays apart from one another.  It makes no sense to force something because it is the expected thing to do particularly if it is going to turn out bad for everyone.  Speak with your children together and let them know that Mom and Dad are not getting along.  Let them know that you have both decided to spend a little time apart this year.  At the same time it is important to let them know any plans that have been made, how they will be celebrating the holiday season with both parents and where this will take place.

2.  In regards to gifts you may want to give a gift to your partner but you find yourself not feeling particularly loving towards your partner.  Why not give a gift of appreciation.  After all neither of you were forced to continue to work on your relationship, you both chose to work on the relationship.  Now when you think about it even though there may still be hurdles to overcome, isn't it worth acknowledging your partner's efforts by giving them an expression of your appreciation? I think it is.

3.  On the other hand you may find yourself preferring to spend the holiday season with a larger group of people that consists of your children, close friends and extended family.  If this is your choice my advice is to choose people who you know will be supportive and non-judgmental.  It is important to invite people who you know have not chosen sides and who want to be with you.  Such a grouping of non-judgmental people can help diffuse tensions, reduce the potential for arguments and increase the likelihood that the festivities, large or small will be a positive experience for everyone.

Pledges for the Holiday Season

It is important to honour your feelings and to accept you and your partner as you both are.  Both of you have been working hard since disclosure of the affair and you are both on a personal journey toward recovery.  As a first step towards establishing an understanding between you and your partner that will carry you both through the holiday season consider the following pledges.  Feel free to edit them to make them more personal and meaningful to your particular situation.

If you are The Hurt Partner, a Holiday Season Pledge may be

          "The way I feel now is the best way I can feel at this very moment.  I feel such a

            range of emotions and I hope you can show me compassion because how I feel

            is completely normal.  Sometimes I  feel anger, at other times I feel sad. 

           Sometimes I feel confused while at other times I feel grief.  Sometimes I feel

           better about you, while at other times I feel worse.  My feelings come and then

           they go, like the ebb and flow of a powerful tide.  Often I feel as though I have

           no control over what I feel.  My pledge to you is that I will continue to work hard

           each day to get stronger, to resolve my grief and to overcome the confusion I

           feel and to decide what the future will look like."

If you are The Participating Partner, a Holiday Season Pledge m ay be

          "I am sorry for the way I have hurt you.  Even though it is hard to accept I never

           thought that I would be the source of your greatest pain.  I understand that it

           will take time for you to work through your grief but know, that I will stand by you

           and support you every step of the way.  My hope is that you will be able to accept

           the sincerity of my apology, as well as my remorse for what I did.  I accept you as

           you are.  I care for you.  I hope you receive my apology in the manner that it is being

           sent, as I work towards regaining your trust."

You are both in recovery.  Try not to have expectations for how your partner should feel because your expectations are unenforceable and more than likely they will lead to more disappointments and obstacles that will have to be overcome in the future.  Be gentle and kind with one another. 

The way you and your partner are right now is the only way you can be at this very moment.  Accept that both of you are trying your hardest for yourself and for each other.  Don't expect either of you to feel different than the way you are at this moment.  If your partner feels better later it will be because they can allow them self to go there.  You cannot force it.  The same is true for you.  It can't be willed....just accept.

This holiday season will be the best it can be if you continue to offer support and understanding every day.  Commit to doing those special things for yourself and for your partner today during the holiday season and where possible, into the next year 2011.