Why Does Love Evaporate? *** Unconditional Respect: An Oxymoron?

Why Does Love Evaporate?
by Dr. Gary Chapman

Remember the days when you were "in love"? You thought you had found the perfect man or woman. You dreamed of being married and living happily ever after. Now you're married, but not so happy. What happened to those euphoric feelings? They were supposed to last forever. At least thats what the songs say. In reality, they are temporary. The average life-span of the "in love" experience is two years. We don't stay obsessed forever.

The problem is twofold: First, we were led to believe that if we were really "in love" it would last forever. So, when we lose the feelings, we think we have lost love.

The second problem is that we have a faulty concept of love. We think of love as a feeling. In reality it is much more an attitude. Love is a way of thinking and behaving.

Love is the attitude that says, "I am married to you and I choose to do everything I can do to enrich your life." Then it responds with appropriate behavior.

When we love, our spouse feels loved because of our actions or our words. But love is not something you feel; it's something you do.

Article written by Dr. Gary Chapman. Based on the book, The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman. Published by Moody Publishers.

For a complete listing of Dr. Chapman's books and resources,click here.

Unconditional Respect: An Oxymoron?
by Emerson Eggerichs

When I talk to wives, they have no trouble grasping the concept of unconditional love. After all, they are wired that way. But when I mention showing unconditional respect for their husbands, it's a much harder sell.

Interestingly, at first men don't grasp the idea of unconditional respect either. Wives and husbands believe respect ought to be earned. The wife feels her husband doesn't deserve respect. The husband wants to earn respect, but he doesn't feel he deserves the kind of disrespect he's getting from his wife.

To suggest that respect for men should be unconditional gets some wives downright upset.

Repeatedly, I hear comments like these from wives: "How can I show respect for him when he comes across as so unloving?"..."He doesn't deserve respect; he has hurt me"..."I love him, but I get so
frustrated and angry I don't want to respect him"..."Love is what matters. If he loved me as I need to be loved, maybe I would have stronger feelings of respect"..."Yes, I have things to deal with, but the major problem is with him and he needs to change. The truth is he needs to love and respect me far better than he does."

To put it simply, women are much more apt to show how they feel while men shut down. Men don't know how to deal with the fact that they aren't respected, and they can't put a voice to their feelings. The husbands think, Well, if that's the way she feels, there's nothing I can do. If I have to earn her respect and I'm that bad as a person, then I guess I'll forget it.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he's responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and he also must earn her respect. Is it any wonder he shuts down in the face of all that?

Content for this article comes entirely from the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Published by Integrity Publishing.