Kindness Illustrated

Kindness Illustrated
by Dr. Gary Chapman

Every trait of loving a person is important in marriage, but if I could pick just one to emphasize, it would be kindness. Putting your spouse before yourself is crucial to making marriage work.

It was clear in my conversation with John and Charlotte that they had stopped being kind to each other. Maybe one or both of them had tried to be kind when their children were young but had grown discouraged because the other person didn't seem to reciprocate. Maybe they came to believe that nothing they did would make a difference, so they gave up.

It not an overstatement to say that small kindnesses in daily life can save a marriage.

Kindness shows that we value the other person. We recognize his needs and want to put those needs before our own. That means being alert to the way a spouse receives love.

John was showing love by bringing in a good paycheck every two weeks, and Charlotte wanted him to show love by taking her out on dates. When alert to the call to be kind, John would decide to take Charlotte out even if he thought it was a poor use of time. He would show love to her in this way because he deliberately put her needs first.

Equally, kindness calls Charlotte to see that John was working hard to provide for their family. She could appreciate his work and tell him so, even if it wasn't the primary way she wanted to be loved. Kindness would call Charlotte to sacrifice time with her friends, if needed, just as John sacrificed time at work that day. Kindness would say thank you - without implying "It's about time" - as a way of recognizing that John's time was valuable.

When love becomes a way of life in a marriage, someone cooks meals, washes dishes, vacuums floors, cleans toilets, walks the dog, trims the shrubs, pays the bills, and dresses the kids - all with a positive attitude. He may not use these words, but his attitude says "It is my pleasure to cook this meal for you" and "I am delighted to take the trash outside."

John and Charlotte were in attack mode with each other. Their pride was not ready to concede that the other person could do something loving. In marriages marked by kindness, the spouses talk to each other with respect. They speak up when they are hurt or angry, but their words always affirm each other's value.

The more we practice kindness, the more our spouse practices kindness. And remarkably, the more we are kind to a person, the warmer we feel toward her.

For a complete listing of Dr. Chapman's books and resources,click here.