Listen to His Defensiveness
by Dr. Gary Chapman   

You can learn a great deal about how to influence your husband by observing his defensiveness.  Defensiveness reveals the inner self.   

A wife says, "Why does my husband get so defensive?  All I have to do is mention that the grass needs mowing and he goes ballistic."   

This husband is revealing his self-esteem hot spot.  Some experience in his past has tied his sense of self worth to mowing the grass.

Your mention of the grass translates, "She thinks I'm not doing my job.  I work like crazy, and now she is on my case about the grass." He sees it as a negative statement about his worth.

I know you didn't mean it that way.  That's why I suggest you observe his defensiveness so that you can learn what is going on inside of him.  Love seeks to understand. 

We don't know these emotional hot spots until we touch one.  It would be a good idea to make a list of all your husband's defensive reactions.  Note what you said and did and how he responded.  This insight will help you discover another way to discuss the topic that will be less threatening to his self-esteem.   

Yes, he is responsible for his own behaviors, but you can do your part to love him well - even the times when he might just be unlovely. 

This week, Dr. Chapman gives practical ideas on how wives can help their husbands grow.  This content comes from a chapter entitled "For Wives Only: The Fine Art of Encouragement" in the book, The Family You've Always Wanted.

Do You Listen When Your Spouse Is Talking?
by Dr. Gary Chapman  

There is an ancient Hebrew proverb that says, "He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame."   

So many times we are re-loading our guns while our spouse is talking.  We can't wait until they finish so we can make our points.   

Are you trying to win an argument or build a marriage?   

You will never have  

a healthy marriage until you learn to listen.

Try this approach.  Before you share your perspective, repeat what your spouse said and let them clarify.   

For example, "What I hear you saying is that you wish we could get a weekend away this month.  Am I hearing you correctly?"   

"Well, it doesn't have to be this month, but yes, I'd really like for us to get away."   

Now you are learning to listen.  It's essential to healthy communication.

Article is based on the book,   The Marriage You've Always Wanted BIBLE STUDY by Dr. Gary Chapman. Published by Moody Publishers.  For a complete listing of Dr. Chapman's resources, click here. 

But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance.

Romans 6:17