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Modern Parenting Myths
by Dr. Kevin Leman
#3 "I'm a Good Parent If I Make Many Sacrifices For My Child"
Fully half the parents who've walked through my counseling door have overparented - either due to perfectionistic expectations or simply by revolving around the child as if he were the center of the family's universe.
Overparent? you may think. How can you overdo love?
When you overparent, you weaken the child's self-image, suffocating him so that he or she may come to believe, I guess I don't have what it takes to get by without Dad's and Mom's help. They obviously don't believe I can finish anything by myself, so it's better to not complete things. They can't criticize my unfinished project and me. The child may not say or even consciously think that, but it's what's going on.
Some parents think they're sacrificing when they overparent. What they're really doing, though, is hovering.
A homegrown parent (Leman's term for the parent understanding the value of their presence at home to give the Home Court Advantage) is not the same as a hovering parent. Being at home with your kids doesn't mean you have to be their quality control inspector or entertainer.
My youngest daughter, Lauren, went through a stage when she was six in which she complained about being bored as soon as she was by herself. Five minutes after playing with a friend or older sibling, she'd trudge up to me with the longest of long faces and complain, "I'm soooo booooorrrred."
I didn't "sacrifice" by jumping up and pulling out a Monopoly game or sprinting to the cupboard to get some paper, scissors, and glue. I just smiled and said, "Honey, you can be bored all day long if you want. When you're finished being bored, welcome back to life; it's great!" I'm not the recreational director of the Leman family. If kids want to be bored, so be it!
When does helping become hurting? In general, parents shouldn't do things that the kid can do for himself. This doesn't mean I won't pour milk on Lauren's cereal in the morning, even though she can do it herself with minimal splashing. She loves it when I handle the big gallon of milk, and I don't mind doing that. It's an expression of caring and nurtures our relationship.
But let's say Lauren has decided she's not going to follow through on a commitment. She wants me to make a phone call for her, announcing that she's backing out. In that instance I'd say, "You call Mrs. Johnson and tell her you're unable to babysit. You're the one who told her you would. You call and tell her you can't."
Making that call on her behalf might feel like love, but it would only stunt her growth. The "sacrifice" wouldn't do either of us any good. Don't do your kid's dirty work. If your child consistently leaves projects undone or approaches tasks with all the enthusiasm of an anesthetized sloth, he or she may be under the shadow of a hovering parent.
Content taken directly from Home Court Advantage by Dr. Kevin Leman, published by Tyndale House Publishing.
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