Loving the Unlovely
by Dr. Gary Chapman  

This week we are talking about how to love an unlovely spouse.  I don't have to tell you, but there are a lot of harsh, cold, demanding, controlling people in the world.  My observation is that almost all of these kind of people are married.   

What is the best thing you can do for an unlovely spouse?  The answer is simple: love them.  There are few people who will not respond positively to unconditional love, especially if it is expressed in the persons "primary love language".

There are five love languages: Words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch.  One of these speaks more deeply to your spouse than the other four. If you speak that language you will very likely begin to see a change in your spouse.   

When someone speaks my primary love language, I begin to have warm feelings toward them.  These feelings lead me to begin to treat them kindly.  The same is true of your spouse.  Loving actions beget loving feelings.   

Ask God to help you love your spouse even though your spouse is not loving you.  Someone must take the initiative.  Why not you?  

Article written by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Based on the book, The Five Love Languages  by Gary Chapman. Published by Northfield Publishers. For a complete listing of Dr. Chapman's books and resources, click here.     

Communicating Negative Feelings - Part 1
by Dr. Larry Crabb 

Many Christians hold the view that expressing nonpositive emotions is always sinful.  Instructions like "You should never be angry" or "If you can't say something nice, say nothing" reflect a position that binds people in the straightjacket of emotional denial.

Spouses pretend they feel one way when they really feel quite different.  The masks remain rigidly in place, glued on tightly by the belief that Christian relationships must always consist of accepting smiles and warm expressions of love.

Some secularists have reacted to the teaching of suppression by insisting that feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are. They would say, "I'll feel better if I get them off my chest" or "I have the right to assert myself by telling you how I feel." 

Thus two options confront us: (1) we can stuff our feelings inside, recoiling from them with spiritual horror, or (2) we can assertively dump them on others, reminding ourselves as we get things off our chests that "I have a right to be me." 

As I understand the Bible, neither strategy is consistent with God's design for developing oneness through communication.

If we should neither hold in our feelings nor express them indiscriminately, exactly what are we supposed to do with them?   

• When your husband embarrasses you in front of your friends, what are to do with your anger?
• When your wife reacts to your idea in a condescending manner, what should you do with your irritation?
• When your husband disciplines the children too harshly because of his own frustrations, what are you supposed to do with your fear and fury?
• When your wife tells you she is attracted to another man, how are you to handle your jealousy and hurt? 

Consider these specific forms of the two:

 

STUFF: Remind yourself that God loves you and that it isn't necessary for your spouse to change.  Then smile warmly and minister by asking, "What can I do to make you feel more special?"

DUMP:  Remind yourself that because God loves you, you are a worthwhile person who has the right to express your feelings.  Tell your spouse exactly how you feel as a way of affirming your wholeness in Christ.   

Tomorrow, we'll discuss what God says we should do with these emotions. 

Content taken directly from The Marriage Builder: A Blueprint for Couples and Counselors by Larry Crabb, published by Zondervan Publishing.

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Colossians 3:12-14