Loving the Unlovely
by Dr. Gary Chapman  

Today, we're talking about loving an unlovely spouse.  Ann had begged her husband to go for counseling but he had refused.  She urged him to read a book or listen to a tape on marriage, but he was unwilling.  His attitude was "I don't have any problems.  You're the one with the problems."  In his mind he was right; she was wrong - it was as simple as that.

Can you love a spouse who is so self-righteous and unwilling to learn?  The answer is "Yes."  How?  It all begins by understanding that love starts with an attitude not a feeling.   

Love is the attitude which says, "I choose to look our for your interest, how may I help you?"  From attitude we move to action. You do something that will actually help your spouse.  When you choose to love you will stimulate warm feelings within your spouse.  This just might stimulate your spouse to love you.  When they begin to do things for your benefit then your emotions are stimulated and feelings of love return.   

Love feelings are the results of loving actions and loving actions come from loving thoughts.  It all starts with changing your attitude.

Article written by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Based on the book, The Five Love Languages  by Gary Chapman. Published by Northfield Publishers. For a complete listing of Dr. Chapman's books and resources, click here.     

Demand vs. Desire
by Dr. Larry Crabb 

The clear teaching of Scripture is that communication problems inevitably result whenever people pursue self-centered goals.  Most of us enter marriage with the foolish but reasonable-sounding belief that we need (not desire or long for, but need) our spouses to respond to us a certain way if we are to be significant and secure. 

We must become convinced of the sufficiency of Christ to the point where our goals toward our spouses shift from manipulation to ministry. 

This is all simple enough to comprehend as a workable model for marriage relationships.  To put it into practice is quite another matter.  No belief is more persistent than the one that says my partner must treat me a certain way.  We can often find biblical support to justify our demand that our mates behave differently.   And of course, we may be correct in believing that God would like our spouses to change.   

But it is very difficult to acknowledge that it is never my place to demand anything of my spouse, or to admit that my commitment to minister does not depend on my partner's attitudes or behavior.   

it requires mountain-moving faith to believe that Christ is sufficient for me and that I am capable of giving to my partner regardless of the pain of rejection. 

Content taken directly from The Marriage Builder: A Blueprint for Couples and Counselors by Larry Crabb, published by Zondervan Publishing.

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Colossians 3:12-14