Mending Fences with an Estranged Adult Child
by Dr. Gary Chapman  

Sometimes marriages suffer greatly because the couple is estranged from an adult child.  Weeks turn to months and months turn to years and no one moves.  How tragic.  I don't mean to imply that one step will heal everything, but the journey of a thousand miles is begun by the first step.

How about writing a letter to your estranged child?  Begin by expressing love or sharing a positive memory from childhood.  Follow up with an admission of your own failures.  Specifically ask for your child's forgiveness.  Then say, "I know we can't erase the past five years, but perhaps we can make the future better.  We're open if you are.  Let us know your thoughts and feelings."   Seal the letter with a prayer, and see what happens.   

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  But not always with letters.  Try a phone call in two months, then an e-mail.  Later, you can actually travel to the city where your child lives and show up at his door with candy or flowers.  If ultimately, you are rebuffed, at least you have the satisfaction of having tried.  Your efforts will show up in a better marriage. 

Article written by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Based on the book, How to Really Love Your Adult Child  by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell. Published by Moody Publishing.  For a complete listing of Dr. Chapman's books and resources, click here.     

Ten Marital "Nevers" In Conflict
by Tommy Nelson

#4 Raise Your Voice in Conflict 

Anger turns any statement into a sin and any discussion into an unresolved debate.  It is a primitive form of winning the argument.   

If anger creeps into a conversation or discussion, the anger must first be addressed, defused, and forgiven before any other issue can be dealt with.   

Proverbs 16:21 asserts, "Sweetness of the lips increases learning," and Proverbs 16:24 adds, "Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones."   

A quiet, sweet tone of voice makes a person much more persuasive and brings about a much better attitude in the person who is listening.

#5 Never Get Historical 

You may be thinking, Don't you mean hysterical, Tommy?  No, historical.  Don't dredge up the past.  In recalling past sins and applying them to the most recent bad behavior or error, you are sending a strong signal to your spouse that you are not a forgiving person.  A truly forgiving person endeavors not only to forgive, but also to forget.   

Although you may not ever truly be able to forget an incident, you can forget to bring it up.  I'm always amazed when a person can recall in a counseling session, "Don't you remember five years ago when you...?"  Such statements tell me that the person who is making them is bitter and angry at a very deep level.  The bitterness and anger are far more important to address than any act of misbehavior, error, or sin committed five years ago.

#6 Never Accuse With "You Statements" 

Arguments escalate when you continually point to the other person and say such things as, "You did this,"  "You said that,"  "You caused this,"  or "You are a rotten person."  You have taken on the roles of both judge and jury.  

Instead, couch your statements in "I" terms:  "I heard this and I need to know if I heard you correctly,"  "I don't understand what you mean when you say...," or "I felt this way when I heard what you said."

Article taken directly from the book, The Book of Romance by Tommy Nelson. Published by Thomas Nelson Publishing.