Responding to Verbal Abuse - Part 3  
by Dr. Gary Chapman  

How do we respond to verbal abuse? Yesterday I suggested that we begin by recognizing what is going on inside the abuser. We accept the emotional need for self-worth and purpose, but we reject the abusive behavior.  

Today I want to suggest that you believe in the worth of your spouse. Behind every verbally abusive tongue is a person of value. You once saw this value. That is why you married them.  

Here's an approach a wife might take:

"I've been thinking about us a lot the last few days. I've been remembering how kind you were to me when we dated. I'm remembering the tender touches, the kind words, the smiling face, the fun we had in those days. I guess that's why I believe in you so strongly. I know the good qualities that are there. Sometimes I lose that vision when I am hurt by your attacks, but I believe in my heart that the man I married is the man you really want to be. And I know that by God's help and your desire, you can reach that goal."

Written or spoken, these are positive words.

Article written by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Based on the book, Desperate Marriages  by Dr. Gary Chapman. Published by Moody Publishing.  For a complete listing of Dr. Chapman's books and resources, click here.     

The Threat of the 50/50 Plan
by Dennis and Barbara Rainey      

When Barbara and I received premarital counseling from our friends and mentors, Don and Sally Meredith, they warned us that we had been thoroughly trained in society's plan for marriage.  They called this the 50/50 Plan, which says, "You do your part, and I'll do mine."  This concept sounds logical, but couples who use it are destined for disappointment.

Don and Sally went on to explain that many Christians get married with a "Christianized" version of the 50/50 Plan.  They weave in a few threads of Christianity and tack on a few Bible verses,  but they still have the idea, "You do your part, and I'll do mine."

Without realizing it, Barbara and I had fallen into the trap of the 50/50 Plan.  Our early disagreement revealed its biggest weakness: It is impossible to determine if your mate has met you halfway.

Why the 50/50 Plan Fails

Acceptance is based on performance.  Many marriage partners unknowingly base acceptance of the mate on his or her performance.  Performance becomes the glue that holds the relationship together, but it isn't really glue at all.  It's more like Velcro.  It seems to stick, but comes apart when a little pressure is applied.

Giving is based upon merit.  With the "meet-me-halfway" approach, I would give affection to Barbara only when I felt she had earned it.  If she kept the house running smoothly and met my expectations, I would drop her a few crumbs of praise and loving attention.  Barbara would show me affection and praise only when I would hold up my end by getting home on time, keeping the house in a reasonable state of repair, or working in her garden.

Each spouse has a tendency to focus on the weaknesses of the other.  Ask most husbands or wives to list their mate's strengths in one column and their weaknesses in another, and the weaknesses will usually outnumber the strengths five to one.

Article taken directly from the book, Staying Close  by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Published by Thomas Nelson Publishing.