Responding to Verbal Abuse - Part 2   
by Dr. Gary Chapman  

Verbal abuse, how do you respond?

Verbal abuse destroys respect, trust, admiration, and intimacy - all key ingredients of a growing marriage.  How do you respond if you are married to a verbal abuser.  Often, we lash back in self-defense.  This simply leads to more abuse.  Let me suggest a different approach.  Recognize the need, but reject the behavior.  That is, recognize that the abuser has deep emotional needs - the need for self-worth, purpose, and fulfillment.  It is out of inner anger that the abuser is lashing out.

A positive approach might sound like this: "I know that you must be extremely frustrated when you speak to me in that manner.  I wish I could share the pain you feel inside.  But when you yell at me, I can't help you.  If you could write me a note telling me what you fell and how strongly you feel it, maybe I could be there for you."

In such an approach, you are acknowledging your spouse's need to speak, but you are also rejecting verbal abuse as an ineffective way to communicate.

Article written by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Based on the book, Desperate Marriages  by Dr. Gary Chapman. Published by Moody Publishing.  For a complete listing of Dr. Chapman's books and resources, click here.     

The Threat of Difficult Adjustments  
by Dennis and Barbara Rainey     

We have difficulty making the adjustments in the following areas: differing backgrounds, financial pressures, job demands, religious differences, children, sexual performance, personality differences, etc.   

Most couples have not adequately prepared for the gravitational pull of such adjustments on the marriage relationship.

Barbara and I have worked through many

of our background differences. Some were funny; others were not. We had some lively discussions over dinner, but we always managed to reach a compromise.

Actually, what we were doing was keeping the first big plate spinning and not letting all the other plates pull our marriage down. The reason the marriage of the Ozark hillbilly and the lovely, cultured girl from Texas survived was that we spotted these threats early. We realized we had a choice: isolation or oneness.  

Our relationship became more important than our individual values and we built our home on new values that we hammered out together.

Article taken directly from the book, Staying Close  by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Published by Thomas Nelson Publishing.