The Key to Everything
by Dr. Gary Chapman

Before I got married, I could hardly wait to be as happy as I was going to be.  But 6 months after I was married, I was more miserable than I had been my whole life.  I had all these visions of what it would be like.   I was in graduate school, so I could just see myself coming home at night, sitting down to study.  My wife would be sitting on the couch.  When I got tired studying, I would lift my eyes and our eyes would touch. Oooo. Wouldn't that be wonderful, having a wife right there in the apartment.

But after we got married, I found out that my wife didn't want to sit on the couch and watch me study.  If I were going to study, she wanted to go downstairs in the apartment complex, visit and talk with people.  I'm sitting up there thinking, "This is what it was like before we got married.  The only difference is,  I was in the dorm - a whole lot cheaper than this place."   

We succeeded in being utterly miserable.

Unfortunately, our marriage did not turn around overnight, but it did turn around.  This week I want to share with you the secret.  I'll give you a clue.  It had to do with a change of attitude on my part. 

Article written by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Based on the book,  The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Published by Moody Publishing.  For a complete listing of Dr. Chapman's books and resources, click here.     

You want to help your man grow - who wouldn't?  And you're trying to remain as supportive and positive as possible.  But when the changes are slow in coming and your patience begins to wear thin, you may wonder, Am I helping the situation at all?  

Secret #1: Be Truthful With Yourself

Cindy curled under the covers as she watched Tim prepare for bed.  They had 20 years together, a marriage filled with good times and bad.  Their lives were woven together as high school seethearts.  She lay there trying to remember life before Tim and she had a hard time doing so.  They literally grew up together.

She watched as he readied himself for bed.  He had his routine:  flipping on the TV, laying out the next day's work clothes, brushing his teeth, running a comb once through his hair, and slipping into his side of the bed.

She tried to think of good things, but her mind continued to replay scenes from another day of feeling devalued, discounted.  She wanted to cuddle.  He wanted to watch Sports Center.  Earlier, she tried to tell him her ideas for remodeling the family room.  He complained that she didn't understand how complicated such a job could be.  As usual, he treated her opinions like they were the romantic notions of a naive child.

Tim fell asleep within minutes of his head hitting the pillow.  Cindy lay awake next to him, wondering how he could sleep while she struggled to understand their relationship.  Sometimes she wished he would suffer the way she suffered.  She was amazed that he did not see how unhappy she was.  She felt a great deal of tenderness for Tim, but at times like this she wondered if she'd made a mistake in marrying him.  She had a hard time sorting out her anger from her affection.  Even now, as angry as she was, she would gladly take him into her arms if he were to awaken and reach out to her.  But Tim didn't stir.  He slept peacefully as if nothing in the world was wrong with their marriage and their lives.

That is exactly what he told her a hundred times or more.  Despite what she knew in her heart to be true,  Cindy had not yet accepted the first secret we will discuss in this book:

Be utterly honest with yourself about the problems. 

If your relationship feels that bad, it usually is that bad.  Instead of confronting the problem head-on, Cindy found herself wondering if Tim was right.