"I love you," can be communicated with words and actions.  Both are expected on Valentine's Day!  So what can each of you do to express your love to each other in a way that will be an unexpected treat?  What did you do to woo each other before you were married?  What has your spouse told you he or she would like?  

Often, men will feel most loved by a physical, sexual connection while women will feel their husband's love by an action or expression that shows he took time to plan ahead and prepare a special treat for her.   

Unfortunately, the natural tendency will be to read and focus on what you would your spouse to do for you.  But you will enhance the romance of your relationship much more effectively if you focus on what your spouse would like you to do for him or her.

Once you've decided what you believe would be the most special treat for your spouse, get into the delight of planning it.  Enjoy the process of giving something on your spouse's terms without any expectation of getting something in return.  Your Valentine treat will be what you do for your spouse.  

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Would my spouse prefer that I spend money or not spend money?
• Would time together or a tangible item be more meaningful to him or her?
• Would providing relief by doing some task that is normally the spouse's responsibility be most appreciated?

Be certain that your Valentine treat will not cause tension.  Even if the thought is nice, the actual expression may be negative.  For example, don't give sexy nightwear to your wife if her lack of sexual desire has been an issue for you, because the sexy nightwear is really a message to her about what you would like from her, and that comes across as a demand.

Or consider how difficult it would be for spouse who struggles with a weight problem to be all excited about a huge box of chocolates.  The chocolates might be craved and yet cause conflict with the spouse's ultimate goal of weight loss.   

Likewise, your husband may not appreciate jogging shoes if you've been pressuring him to jog and he has been resisting.  Or your wife may have difficulty being joyful in response to an expensive piece of jewelry if you were not able to pay last month's mortgage.

Here are some suggestions for positive Valentine treats:

1. Complete a task that has been on your "Honey-Do" list for quite some time.  Then leave a note expressing your love as the reason for your actions.  
2. Make reservations at her favorite restaurant for the two of you.  Write out an invitation: 
   "You are invited to join me at ____________________ for an evening of ____________________.   ______________ attire will be appropriate.  The babysitter is ___________________ and is scheduled from __________ to ___________."  
3. If he has purchased a sexy nightie for you in the past, groom your body, lay the nightie out on the bed, have a bubble bath run for the two of you (or have the shower ready), and have the children stay at a friend's house for the night.  
4. Write a list of all the qualities you love in your spouse.  
5. Give your spouse a foot bath and a massage (if that would be enjoyed.)  
6. Instead of giving a purchased card, write your own.  Either create your own poem or expression of love, or hand copy a love poem from a card or book.    
7. Take the day off and spend it together doing exactly what your spouse wants.  You might spend it working together, shopping, playing, or in bed. 

Visit Your Spouse's Workplace 
by Dr. Gary Chapman

The wife should feel no less responsible than the husband to share her life with him.  Whether at home or at work, you have spent several hours away from your husband.  He cannot share this time, unless you choose to communicate. 

It is also helpful for each partner to visit the location of the other's employment, if both are working. "One picture is worth a thousand words."   

With a visual image of your work setting, your mate will be better able to identify with you as you describe events of the day.  

Introduce each other to your close work associates, so that, when you come home and say "George was in a foul mood today," your mate has a mental image of George and what he must look like when he is in a foul mood.  

Intimacy is sharing all of life.  Day-to-day events is a big part of life. 

Article written by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Based on the book, The Marriage You've Always Wanted by Dr. Gary Chapman. Published by Moody Publishing.  For a complete listing of Dr. Chapman's books and resources, click here.