I told Eune the other day that I was the most miserable new student I've ever seen, and she didn't disagree.   Not one first-timer I've seen has come close to the level of physical and emotional distress I suffered - for months.

I first came to Bikram because I wanted to lose some jiggly stuff and couldn't do the gym any more, and thought a more structured exercise regimen would work for me.  And so the struggle began. I hated the heat; I literally felt like my skin was cooking and I had a hard time breathing. I sat or laid down on my mat repeatedly and I once ran out of the room and stood in the shower fully-clothed.

I cried (quietly), complained, resented being told what to do, I argued, and I did some postures wrong when I thought it made more sense.  I sent mean thoughts to teachers who never opened the door. I know my bad behavior was more extensive and I'm grateful I can't remember more. I have no idea why I kept going.

I can't put my finger on when things shifted. I think it was probably when I realized I hadn't had so much energy since I was 12. I didn't want to climb onto the couch as soon as I got home. A couple of times I caught myself smiling for absolutely no reason.   A close friend told me I'd been happier and calmer than she'd ever seen me.   And my relationships started un-complicating themselves.

Looking back on the process more than a year and a half later I can see what was happening and how each lesson supported others.   I learned how to build something step by step (not only did I not know how, but I didn't "know"  I didn't know.) And I got rid of some jiggly stuff.