When I was doing family counseling I often saw separated parents who used their children to manipulate the other parent. At times they used the children as bait or as punishment. I recall a time when I was trying to mentor a child whose mother wasn't in her life. The girl and I were really attached to each other, but I started feeling a little uncomfortable when the father wouldn't allow me to see her unless he was included, and often she wouldn't even be present. Following is an excerpt from my journal.

 

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I was thinking about how love does not take hostages. I don't know if [the girl's father] is really trying to get closer to me or just protecting his daughter but I know how I feel when I have to go through him to get to her. I know parents do that to each other - they use their children to get to the other parent. They either won't let the parent see the child to punish them or they try to use the child as manipulation to get the parent back. That's taking hostages. That's not love. When someone tries to withhold something from you; when they make the stipulation that you have to be with them in order to get what you want it incites resentment not love. We see the person who withholds what we want as an obstacle between us and what we want. It's the people who freely give without manipulation, stipulations or conditions that make us love them. It's the person who shares, not manipulates, that you want to be around.

 

Anyway so I'm recognizing that you only push people away when you try to use things they want to get them to like you. It doesn't work; it just makes them resent you. And unless you really really want what they have (like your child) you're going to leave them alone rather than endure their manipulation. I was focusing on people but then I got wisdom. J God does not take hostages either. I felt like He was withholding [something I wanted] to get me to be closer to Him so I told Him that I wouldn't do it anymore. Right after that [doors seemed to open] so I felt like it worked. But at church I felt like God was saying I WOULD NOT MANIPULATE YOU OR WITHHOLD WHAT YOU WANT TO MANIPULATE YOU INTO LOVING ME. IF IT'S WRONG FOR PEOPLE HOW MUCH MORE SO FOR ME?

 

So God is not the angry parent who knows you won't spend time with Him unless He dangles "your baby" in front of you. God is all about choice and free will. A lot of doors have been closed for me but I think it's because of foolish prayers I prayed like to love everybody - even the unlovable. I've started out on a journey and I didn't know what I was getting into.

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God's Beloved we often ask for things that involve a process which includes aspects we won't like. It may feel like God is withholding things from us or punishing us, but really He is answering our prayers, preparing us and disciplining us in love. God is never forcing us or manipulating us. Realize God is love, and love does not take hostages.