I'll tell you right now that I'm going to make a very important point, but it's a little tricky, so stay with me.

What if you were to learn that you have been dreaming all of these years?  What if you one day came to realize that all of your very fine and reliable reasons for not losing weight-the ones you share with family and friends ad nauseam-were utterly false excuses fabricated by a mind struggling to rationalize irrationality?  What if you were to reflect and realize that you are the one responsible for creating both your drama and your trauma?  Crazy, right? Maybe so, but many of my clients and readers fall into this category of people who have not yet gained the clarity or courage to face the facts.  Many have become masters of deception and believers in the smoke and mirrors they've created.

Who are these masters of deception? Well, they're typically those who pride themselves on being generous and giving. They're known for always being available to pick up the slack in times of crisis.  Sound like anyone you know? Are you always there for everyone? And have you frequently noticed that when you need something, no one seems to show up? Unfortunately, I'm sure you have not only noticed, but also have probably spent many hours dwelling on the lack of reciprocity you experience in your life. After all, is it too much to expect that if you're always giving and giving, someone should notice when you're down on your luck and need a hand up?  Shouldn't a friend jump in when you need a little help with a project you volunteered to take on, even though it was a too much for one person to complete?  Shouldn't a relative offer to cook a holiday meal, or at least host one, for a change? Why does it always fall on you to give and give and give some more? 

Now I told you this would be tricky.  Don't get me wrong; there is nothing wrong with giving, but you need to consider the possibility that something else is buried in your desire to be all things to all people.  When a person, you, always offers to help, and when people take you up on it but don't reciprocate, what happens? Think, for instance, about the extravagant party you planned when nobody else had the time. Did the Thank You! from Hallmark do it for you? What about those heroic acts of friendship and last minute saves, the stuff of which movie plots are made? How quickly does the one you saved forget them?  The anger and resentment are probably building as you read this, remembering all the times you have been left feeling used, disregarded and disrespected. And what did you do with those feelings at the time? Did you turn them in on yourself and stuff them down with some really gooey feel-good food? 

Now comes the hard part. 

            What if you have been wrong?

            What if giving and giving is really your way of getting others to give to you? Or worse.

Hold on. Before you protest too much, take a moment to think about what I'm suggesting.  What if your generosity is really a means of making others feel indebted to you? If you do for them, surely they will feel obligated to pay you back with compliments and affection, right? And perhaps you seek their compliments and affection to compensate for attention you didn't receive as a child. Do you go out of your way to give so that someone will say, "Thank you, baby. What would I do without you?" Does this, in some way, make up for the fact that you weren't told that you were the best child a mother or father could ever have? 

What if you had been acknowledged back then?  Do you think you would give of yourself to the degree you are giving now?  Can you see that your generosity just might be an exhausting means of compensating? Do you sound a little desperate every time you plead, "Let me do it. I can help.  Please, let me!" Can you see that you're unconsciously saying, "Look at me! See what a good girl I am! Please love me! Please pick me! Please, please, please see me!"

The problem is that as you rerun this drama in your subconscious, the key players are no longer around, and the people who are around don't know what you're doing.  They just think you like giving and doing and keeping yourself busy.  So, you give and give and are continually let down because they never reciprocate the way you need them to, want them to.  And they shouldn't; it isn't their place to do so.  However, you persist in setting yourself up for disappointment every single time. Those people out there are just people doing their thing, and they think you're doing the same.  But you aren't.  You're looking for something in return, aren't you?  You want them to love you, and you want them to show it in a certain way.

But there's another tricky part.

You kind of set them up, sometimes.   

Many do-gooders have this little tendency to hold back information. They're all about lending a hand, but when they need something, they don't let anyone know. They do this for two reasons. First, if they ask and no one answers, they're allowed to be hurt and angry. And do-gooders are often accustomed to, and even comfortable with, feeling this way.  Second, they like to prove that they love best. This used to be true for me, and in one of my little games, I would purposely not remind anyone that my birthday was approaching. This way, when they all forgot, I had proof that they didn't care, and I fully deserved to feel hurt and angry. I never forgot them, did I? Therefore, I loved them more than they loved me, and I made sure to prove it to them over and over and over! Sound kind of familiar? 

If you've stuck with me this far, my guess is that deep down, you know what you're doing. You're perpetually playing the victim.  You're searching for something you might not have received when you were young, and you're recreating scenarios to remind the world that you were not loved as you should have been!  You create the victim you aren't-and might never have been! And even if you were then, you aren't now. And the people around you weren't responsible and don't need to pay for the sins of others!  So, stop victimizing yourself. Stop creating scenarios where you get to feel hurt and angry, unwanted, unloved and forgotten. Stop setting up others to fail you so you can prove, once again, that you love the best.  And finally, understand that if you stop providing yourself with feelings of hurt and anger, you won't have to force the feelings down with food. Unless, of course, it's a fine and reliable excuse for your weight issue. 

Hmm...the chicken...or the egg?

Honesty. Don't Lose It!