Where Have You Been?  

Every so often I experience a moment of knowing. It's as if a long period of sleepwalking or unconsciousness is suddenly pierced by a moment of clarity in which an unknown woman is suddenly living my life in my body. It feels so odd to look around, shocked at the circumstances in which I find my  self. Is this truly where I live, how I live, who I am?  Have I been asleep?  I must have been, and judging from what I see, I can understand why I left in the first place.  This is not the reality I want to acknowledge!  This reality brings forth nothing but tremendous pain and sadness that lives deep within me, and then I understand.

I try to organize the ruin that surrounds me, but slowly and inevitably I begin to drift back to the place I go when alone-that place where I cease to feel, to think, to participate, where the real me can dwell unseen and unknown.  In this place, I continue to behave as if I am not present...because I am not. On some level, I believe that if I am never really clear and present, my true self will never feel rejected or hurt because 'they' can't hurt what 'they' can't see.  Recognizing this as my pattern, I hope that when the moment of clarity arises, I can hang on long enough for it to make a difference. I hope I can roll up my sleeves and begin to get it together, cleaning and organizing and planning proper meals, knowing that before long, I will begin slipping back to the place where I generally take refuge.  Looking back in a moment of clarity, I wonder how many years I have spent asleep to my reality.  Then I wonder if I will ever see an end to this pattern.

Are you thinking this might be the last newsletter you will ever read?  Well, I hope you will at least give the next part a chance before you dismiss my message; you see, I know I am not the only sleepwalker. This state of existence is much more common than you might think, or want to believe.  Most people are not present in their lives. They don't really feel what lies deep within because it's too hard to see the truth of their lives, their selves, and the results of their many reactive decisions. 

It's not that you believe your entire life is terrible, but perhaps there are certain things that have not turned out as you expected. Perhaps your life is too busy. Perhaps you spend the majority of your waking time doing things you would rather not. Perhaps you spend too much time with people you would rather see less often. Perhaps you adhere to a lifestyle that no longer nourishes your soul. Why continue in this manner? Are you afraid change will entail too much work or money or time?  

When you are awake and present, you catch a glimpse of your other, less world-weary self, the person with dreams and aspirations and boundless energy who feels poised to conquer the world. Inspired, you get busy fixing and organizing and even checking out some online classes. After all, haven't you always wanted to go back to school, start a new career? Unfortunately, the surge of enthusiasm begins to dim as the story you tell yourself forces your dream to the background, filling your mind with the many obstacles that will keep you firmly planted in your less-than-ideal present, making it impossible to plan or move.  Before you know it, you're back in your private place, wondering why you let yourself go and how it came to pass that you managed to gain the weight so quickly. How is it that in a blink of the eye, years have passed and here you stand, wide awake, wondering where the time and your life went. 

This is more common than you know; however, you can take measures to fend off this sleepwalking state of mind and renew yourself by simply changing some of your food choices! Get away from the caffeine that provides you with a terrible warped sense of reality, lulling you into thinking you're actually more energized and focused than you really are. Sugar will do the same, and eventually these substances direct your thinking and force you onto the treadmill of perpetual dieting, binging, rationalizing and denying reality. After all, what is reality?  Well, you can't know if you can't remain present. Were you to be jolted into the present, perhaps you would stick to your food plan or go back to school or get your finances in order and stop spending.  Perhaps you would find happiness in facing your fears and in realizing that Roosevelt was spot on when he said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

I am usually able to live my life by F.D.R's maxim, and when I find my self lost in the darkness, wrapped up in all that doesn't matter, I ask what it is that I so fear?  Generally, my answer is  fear of changing, fear of trying and perhaps failing, fear of rejection and judgment.  Fortunately, I know that when there is fear, there can be nothing else. Fear is separation from God, and that I fear more than anything that lies ahead of me. 

Therefore, why not take a chance the next time that strong, all knowing person so full of dreams and convictions is awakened?  Take a chance on making a few real changes.  What do you have to lose aside from a little bit of fear and a few pounds? 

Face Fear. Just Lose It!