Behave Schmeehave!

Truly it is puzzling when you think about how little control we exercise over our own behavior. By the time we reach adulthood, shouldn't we all be able to say with confidence that we are self-directed and in control of our destiny? Unfortunately, this does not appear to be the case. I'll be the first to admit that I find myself engaging in behaviors every day that I thought I had conquered years ago. Indeed, these behaviors, these old habits, have a way of cropping up unbidden, without entering my consciousness until it is too late!  It is a rare human who successfully changes an ingrained behavior permanently.  Most of us, I have learned, are only capable of intermittently avoiding undesirable behaviors.  In fact, most of us change only in our dreams!

The real problem arises from the fact that when I find myself reverting to an old bad habit, I console myself by thinking that since I was able to get it under control once before, I will be able to do so again. To be honest, like most people I usually kick a bad habit by picking up another.  So that's why giving up sugar can send you reeling back to your past and into a bowl of pasta.  That first problem behavior is the quicksand that will suck you into all variety of unfortunate habits. You know I'm right in this, don't you?  Before long, you find yourself wondering how in the world it all got so bad. Yep, that first misstep marks the beginning of the downward spiral.  The good news is that stopping the spiral works the same way:  you have only to change one behavior and the others will naturally follow suit.  Once you understand this, you might be able to stop a behavior before the spiral begins, or at least get a handle on it before it get so out of control that months go by before you again see the light of day.

Let me point out that today I am not talking about addictions. Addictions are usually a part of this discussion, but today I want to talk about the more innocuous, but nevertheless, worrisome bad habits that arose this week for many of my clients. They all talked about their struggles to change certain behaviors not driven by an addiction, but by associations with the time of day or by chain reactions in which one behavior is associated with another and another! One client, for instance, can make do with a single cup of decaf in the morning, but she must accompany it with 10 vanilla wafers for dunking. Do you see what I mean?  She would probably not go for the cookies if she didn't start with the coffee!

Another client eases her transition from work to home by stopping at a convenience store to pick up a couple of candy bars and a Coke for the ride.  Every day she vows not to stop at the store, but the habit is so deeply ingrained that she is sometimes munching on the candy bar before she realizes she is doing it! So let's look into this a bit more deeply.  Julie tells me that around quitting time her mood lifts, but only momentarily because as she envisions arriving home to the demands of her family, she feels the energy being sucked out of her. Before she knows it, she is dreaming of going back to work!  However, the convenience store, Coke and candy bars are out there waiting to soothe her as they have every evening for years. And while she resents and is ashamed that the clerk has the goods set on the counter in anticipation of her arrival, she is forced to acknowledge that things are out of control-and everyone knows it!

So, how to take back control?  Well, it can end the same way it began, by putting one foot in front of the other and allowing the other one to follow.  Maybe, before she leaves work, Julie could plan to do something at home to make it a happier, safer place for her. In addition, she might take a different route home, avoiding the convenience store, even if it makes the trip home a little bit longer.  If stopping somewhere to take a short break is what she needs, maybe she could stop at a different place and pick up an iced tea. She could then find a park or a beach where she might sit quietly for a few minutes to center herself, to take a breath and enjoy the peace for a minute or two. Perhaps while sipping her tea and taking in the peaceful surroundings she could think about how she might change the way she spends her evenings. Maybe she should start a project, paint a room, or clean a closet?  She could do something as simple as opening a good book, taking in a movie or a new television show-something that might help her get more out of life.

It is simple to begin a particular behavior and simple to begin ending it.  Don't begin by doing anything drastic; maybe just swap one behavior for another less problematic one. See if that does the trick, and then see where you can go from there.  You might be surprised to see the ripple effect of one simple change. Why not start the ripples in motion with a small step toward a more fulfilling life?

Change it and then Just Lose It