What do you hear in the following statements? "I spent the whole week making brownies and working the bake sale"; "My son's tournament lasted all weekend and there wasn't a single healthy food choice at the arena"; "My parents are visiting, so my sister brought her four kids for the week."
Do you hear yourself? How often do constant demands on your time coincide with your having had a bad week, unable to commit fully to your weight loss program? What I am speaking about here differs from the "Monday, I start" lie we tell ourselves. I am speaking today about how you experience and deal with constant pressure to do and care for others, and the feelings that arise when you can neither catch up nor make any significant headway. These feelings are the effect of dangerously flawed beliefs that are entrenched in our psyches. The root of our inability to take control of our weight issues and practice Consistency can be blamed on one simple reality: We are Overwhelmed! We have all taken on too much! Women, for example, in our roles as wives, mothers, caretakers, and providers have assumed overwhelming responsibilities. The words you probably labeled excuses above are no such thing. They are symptoms of chaotic and frenzied lifestyles that have spun out of control without our even noticing.
And what happens when we get to this point? I'll tell you. We give up. Ah, I can almost read your minds: "Give up? Never! If anything, I find time to work harder!"
You know what? I believe you; so let's talk about that. You are drained, yet you continue to do it all. You have no time, yet you "find" time. You are exhausted, yet you work harder. Do you know what that sounds like to me? It sounds like you have given up. It's true. You have given up on yourself and your needs. And the toll all of this has taken on your health and self-esteem can be clearly seen in the state of your body.
Please try to understand that because of the lifestyle you have chosen and your desire to please, the basketball tournaments, cupcake deadlines, and family obligations will never end. I promise! So, what will it be? When will you carve out the time to experience Consistency in honoring your weight loss commitment? As you think about your response, think how long the weight has been with you...That's an indication of how you have answered this question in the past. Perhaps, today, you might choose differently.
Ladies, your life is not going to change until you change it! You will never have any time for yourself until you take it! Are you waiting for someone to say, "Geez, Sue looks frazzled today? Perhaps we shouldn't ask her to chair the basketball tournament"; or "Wow, have you seen Jane lately? She looks so tired. Must be the new job. Why don't we offer to host Thanksgiving? After all, she's done it for the past 25 years!" Do you think you will ever hear these words? NO! You will NOT! You see, everyone else got the memo about the power of NO! Yours, apparently, went straight to your spam folder!
In their defense, your family and friends probably believe that you love to chair, bake, camp, and hostess; you've always done it so graciously and so well. And maybe you do. The question becomes, "What drives you to say yes in the first place?" Could it be that doing it all makes you feel kind of special? Do you thrive on the compliments, the awe, and recognition even a tiny bit? Girls, get real! Of course they shower you with the compliments: they're already looking for the schlep to do it next year, for goodness sake! Whatever the reason, when the applause has died down and you're home, ready to collapse, dragging about and trying to play catch up, what do you hear? Compliments, or things like, "There's nothing to eat." "What? No clean laundry?" "Leftovers again?"
What can you do?
Simple. Just say, NO!
Before I go further, take a moment to think about how much you do for others. Now think about how much others reciprocate. Does enough come back to balance things out? If not, perhaps the time has come to think about doing things differently. Saying no is not about them; saying no is about you and about taking care of you.
How do you begin? How do you start refusing new opportunities to burn yourself out without hurting anyone's feelings? Could you possibly do something so radical as to change your idea of how you experience your life?
Should you decide to try, allow me to introduce the Buffer. The Buffer is a technique that buys you time between being asked and giving an answer. Here's how it works: We all have those people who call only when they need something. Since we have always said yes, can we blame them for doing what has always worked for them in the past? Of course not, but now is the time to re-educate them. The next time the phone rings and one of those names pop up on your caller ID, let the answering machine record the message. This gives you valuable time to think about your response. You can take as much time as you like to weigh your alternatives and honor your needs. Simple, right?
The next step in Buffering is the in-person Buffer. This one takes a bit more practice because it calls on you to break your well-worn habit of automatically saying yes. When asked to take on an additional responsibility, the in-person Buffer sounds like this: "You know, I would love to, but I need to check my schedule and get back to you." Keep in mind that it is important to use the Buffer, even if you truly want to say yes immediately. The Buffer will give you the space to evaluate, carefully, the impact a yes response will have on your life. Remember, you are Overwhelmed whether you enjoy what you are doing or not!
Okay, you created the Buffer, used the time to make a decision, evaluated the impact of a yes and decided against it. Now you are ready to reply. You simply call the person and say, "Wow, I'd love to help out, but I have a little too much on my plate at this point." Or, you could opt to tell them the truth and say, "I'm a bit overwhelmed lately; I'm going to have to pass." That's it. No discussion; no further explanation offered.
From this moment on, the second you notice that you are not eating right, become conscious of the fact that you have given up on yourself because you feel overwhelmed and overextended. Immediately, invoke the Buffer. Practice it, perfect it, and own it! Most importantly, don't worry: there will always be someone else to pick up the slack. And when you attend the event that you didn't have to plan, thank yourself and think...
Saved by the Buffer!
P.S. "Too much on my plate" is code for there hasn't been enough 'me time' lately. If you can't give yourself permission to take time for you, then allow me! I, Berta, hereby give you permission to put yourself first at least once every day. Take time to breath, prepare a delicious meal, read something (my back newsletters would be a nice place to start), take a walk, or just sit and admire your awesome self!
