Peace Eating

___ What choice did I have, Berta? I had to eat it because  _____ .

___ my mother-in-law gets really offended if we don't eat dessert. 

___ the kids would have been upset if I suddenly wouldn't take them for 

        ice cream. 

___ my husband would have been furious; the restaurant was very 

         expensive. 

___ my daughter took me to a fondue place to celebrate her promotion.

___ my girlfriend at work baked a birthday cake for me.

What do all of these scenarios have in common? What makes each of the above situations difficult for you?

Simple! It's the story of your life. There you are doing great until a friend begs you to go out to eat. Knowing that nothing on the menu fits with your food plan, you could decide to opt out, but that would disappoint your friend, and so you keep the peace and agree to go.  The trouble has begun because you think that by agreeing to go, you have also agreed to eat the unhealthy foods  you do not want. You feel that familiar sense of powerlessness. "How can I refuse to order without looking rude, or even worse, judgmental?  And who likes to be with rude, judgmental people? They'll never ask me again if I do that."  So, you agree to share the four-cheese fondue, immediately beginning to feel guilty and a bit angry: angry with yourself and the person who put you into the position of having to peace eat.  "What else could I have done?" you think to yourself. "She really wanted me to share the dish with her, and she knows it's my favorite."  I understand that a situation like this is hard for you because you have never learned how to refuse to eat what someone else desperately wants to share with you.  

When confronted with a request to eat something they wish to avoid, the majority of my clients, and, I suspect, my readers, always make what they believe  to be the polite choice; and so they sit and eat. Resigned to fulfill what they see as a moral, social, or familial obligation, they deny their needs in order to guarantee the happiness of another.  They know this sacrifice means that the terrible cravings for sugar and salt that have finally abated will be back with a vengeance, yet they feel obligated to keep the peace and eat as requested. Afterward, there will be one of a hundred excuses, all of which boil down to the simple, plaintive: "I couldn't hurt her feelings."  

Why? Why is it always about how someone else feels? And, in all honesty, when you excuse your behavior in this way, can you really be sure that refusing a serving of food truly hurts the other person's feelings?  How can you possibly know that?  Truthfully,  you can't.  You could ask the person if he or she would be crushed by a polite, "No, thank you," but have you ever tried that? No? Why not? I'll tell you why! You really don't think about it anymore. Somewhere along the way, you developed the idea that people offer other people food to make themselves happy. You have spent years assuming that what you eat has a direct impact on someone else's quality of life; consequently, agreeing to eat something for someone else's benefit has become a habit, a bad habit that is based on a faulty assumption! Seriously, have you ever witnessed a hostess entering a state of divine rapture because you tasted her Triple Chocolate Cheesecake?

Just for the sake of argument, let's say you asked your hostess how she would feel if you refused the Fettuccini Alfredo, and she admitted that she would be scarred for life.   Can you see that this would not be your problem?  Can you see that your choosing to damage your body will not fix her self-esteem issues? Can you also see how absurd it is to even want to try? 

Okay, now let's go back to the countless times you have consumed something unhealthy to protect someone else's feelings. Is it possible that you had an ulterior motive?  Can you admit that you might have done it because of your need to feel loved and accepted?  Is it possible that by eating the crème brûlée and complimenting the chef, you were attempting to endear yourself to him, to make him like you, to win his love?  In all honesty, have you ever had the experience of sampling his Grandma's Pecan Pumpkin Pie while he gazed upon you adoringly, promising you lifelong devotion for making such a sacrifice? Somehow, I doubt it!

So, before you feel compelled to peace eat again, I want to make a few suggestions.  First, even if you can't yet just say no, you must start internalizing the truth that there is nothing shameful about eating well and making good choices. You must learn to put your health first, proudly and without apology!  Therefore, let's look at your options. If you feel comfortable with honesty, why not just give others a heads up? Tell them  you are eating on the light side, and offer to provide a dish of your own for their guests to enjoy with you.  If you are new to my program and not quite ready for honesty, you could feign a minor stomach upset.  If necessary, you could explain that you consumed a huge lunch/breakfast and aren't the least bit hungry.  You might say,"I can't possibly have any more to eat; but thanks, it looks amazing!"   Decide what you are most comfortable with and plan ahead to use that strategy.  Eventually the day will come when you have the self esteem to spontaneously abandon the plan and  own your truth. On that day, life becomes simpler because you can simply say, "No, thank you."

Just Lose It!