As the Stomach Turns
Some time ago, I was involved in a negative relationship that was kind of typical for me. I really didn't know why the situation escalated, and to be honest, I didn't delve too deeply into my part in the whole catastrophe. The one thing that I can tell you is that it was all consuming! One day, my sister called to chat. As was typical of me that year, I dove right into the drama around what Dippy Doo was up to. There was an exasperated sigh on the end of the line that annoyed me. My sister knew the state of my affairs, so what did she expect me to talk about? She finally asked, "Why are you always in the middle of some soap opera?" Well, if you have read some of my previous newsletters, you will know that my sister is a straight shooter who, on occasion, aims to kill. This was no exception. Bull's-eye!
Of course, at the time, I paid no attention to her very annoying comments. After all, what did she know about deep, overwhelming, off the charts, all-consuming love? In the end, when I finally did opt out of the ridiculous relationship, I started to think about what she had said and realized that drama was, in fact, a very consistent element in my life. If I were honest with myself, I would have to admit that it was constant and all consuming! If I weren't obsessing over a relationship gone wrong, I would be fixated on a scandal of some sort, or a newspaper report of a stranger's tragedy. Whatever it was, it took me away from what I needed to be doing. Interestingly enough, at that time, I wasn't always sure what I was supposed to be doing because I was so caught up playing Erica Kane's evil twin!
In the years since, I have worked with hundreds of women and some men who share their personal soap operas-always, by the way, as their excuse for not having a clean week and making healthy food choices. These clients are the leading ladies and men in some drama co-starring The Husband, The Wife, The The Mother- or Other-in-law. While I realize that some intrigue can't be avoided, when episode after episode of your soap throws off your whole week, there is a big problem. Dare I say it? Maybe I'll just whisper it...Ready? Perhaps, you are the problem. Perhaps, you are a bit of a drama queen. Perhaps, we should talk about it, for just a minute.
Before you start boo-hooing and making excuses, let's think about it for a moment. Why are you hooked on drama? Certain clients come to me week after week, month after month, with nothing but catastrophic stories to share. First, there are the work-related histrionics that sound something like, "This week was unbelievable! Two of my employees quit out of the blue, and then they blah, blah, blah!" Then, there are the mother-in-law complaints that typically sound like, "Another impossible week! I'm wiped out! She's at it again. Stirring up trouble! Why can't she leave us alone?" My favorite is the drama-in-the-making scenario as she fearfully confesses, "Jack is so worried about losing his job...We won't hear for another 18 months. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks!" Ah, and then, the taxman cometh, and the client moans, "I haven't filed yet. My lousy ex won't give me our financial stuff. He's costing me a fortune in late fees! What did I do to deserve him?"
I am not minimizing the very important issues and problems that life provides us with, but I am saying, "So what?" Life can be hard and wonderful at the same time. But when a drama unfolds every single week over something someone said or did or implied or threatened or forgot, I again say, "So what?" Why does anything another person says or does make you stop eating the way you should? Don't you realize that all of this drama is a means of rationalizing your choice not to have a clean week?
This is what I noticed about myself, all those years ago. I decided to take a good look at my behavior, and I came to see that whenever my life was peaceful, some sort of drama would arise, and I would subsequently stop eating well and taking care of myself. What did one have to do with the other? When I stopped long enough to look at it, I saw that the drama was a means of escaping responsibility for myself. Slowly, I began to make changes.
When I felt myself becoming thrown off balance, getting overly involved in someone else's life, I immediately looked see just what I was avoiding in my own life. Frequently, the answer was rather embarrassing. I didn't feel like grocery shopping. The result was that there wouldn't be decent food in the house and I would eat poorly because I had no choice. Other times I would be unmotivated to follow through with chores that needed to be completed. Not taking care of things had the effect of throwing my own life into chaos. Once the chaos began, there was no time to complete the chores, and planning healthy meals took a back seat to reigning in the chaos.
In essence, the drama disguised my refusal to be at peace within myself, and take care of myself. I also began to realize that a tranquil life does not just fall into place; it takes energy and time. I had been filling that time by rescuing friends, listening to their troubles and always feeling responsible for their happiness. This left me feeling depleted and exhausted and overwhelmed. Is it any wonder I was not taking care of myself and my stuff?
Ultimately, I had to kick the habit of getting involved in other people's business. If I were asked to step in, I made sure to leave enough "me time." Once I began to treasure that "me time" and protect it at all costs, my life stopped feeling sad and pathetic, out of control and unimportant compared with everyone else's. I began to feel better about myself as I started working on my life, for a change. No more excuses for not living in my own present!
This is the issue I have been discussing with many clients, recently. So, think about it. When someone at work does something calculated to undermine you, or they commit some other transgression, must you spend the rest of the week stuffing your face? Might you not consider the possibility that a sad person was having a bad day and you just happened to be there? Or maybe they were just a little bitchy? So what? Why would you allow another person's outlook on life to affect your commitment to yourself?
Even if it were an intended slight! So what! Must you go home and spend hours on the phone-hours you can never get back-rehashing the scene, seeking reassurances that you were right and she was wrong! Must you turn it into another episode of As the Stomach Turns? Of course not! You need simply to step aside and let it go and refuse to turn an unkind word or two into a cold war. Better yet, try something really radical...get smart and try activating the "cone of silence!" The next time there's an altercation, do not offer an opinion. Observe and reserve judgment.
Could you possibly do that? Try it and see what your week feels like. It might be less exciting. You might find yourself spending more time in your own life. Does that make you nervous? Precisely my point. How do you feel when you are not in someone else's stuff?
You'll never know unless you try; so, take a little advice from my younger sister and drop the drama-even if it's your own. Get back to your essence; make time for yourself and your food and your health!
You can do it!
Just Lose It!
