Confessions: Part I  

If it's true that we shall perpetually yearn for the body we were meant to have and the robust good health that escapes us, then now is the time to step up and take it. That's right; it's all right there for the taking.  Right now! Not tomorrow or Monday or whenever we finish eating or drinking something that we will regret in ten minutes! It's in the moment; not the next moment, but in this one, and if this one is not a good enough moment for you to start, then the next moment will not be good enough either. 

The moment doesn't come in a planned clean start on a new day. It comes in the moment you decide to put down the fork in mid bite of your favorite "comfort" food; it comes when you decide to spit it out and say, "No more lies!"  When this moment comes, you will do it. Until it comes you will continue to do as you have always done, and you will persist in lying to yourself.  

Live in your truths, not your lies. The lie is that you deserve this one special treat and then you will get on the ball. The truth is that you will regret every time you don't make the right food choice for yourself. The lie is that these little slip-ups don't really matter. The truth is that they do matter, and they always have, and they always will.  So, can you put down the fork, throw out the chips, pour out the soda pop, and step away from the refrigerator? Now?  Not tomorrow?

It's funny how the mind works to keep us where we are, sabotaging us, keeping us small. I wonder if the following will sound familiar...  

I remember years back as though it were yesterday. I went on a nice vacation during which time I indulged a bit, not eating as well as I should have. I fully intended to get right back on track the moment I got home. ( Admittedly, I continue to do some of this even today, but nothing like I used to. So, yes, I still try to lie to myself. In fact, I might always do this, but I try to call myself on it as much as possible!)

Anyway, as it happened, after this wonderful vacation, I came home and decided to go out to dinner with my closest friend and my mother.  I ate as I pleased-not terrible choices-but not what I would call clean. Since it was the last night, I ordered desert.  No big deal because I would be starting work on Monday, and it had been a long week, and what difference would one more dessert make?  Right? Wrong! Lies and more lies!

I went to bed with the intention of waking up Sunday morning and getting right back on track.  But a funny thing happens while we sleep. The liar in us comes out and plays with our head. When we awaken, it's as if amnesia crept in and we have no recollection of the sensible thoughts of the previous evening. Do you know the feeling? How easy it is to do this repeatedly!  So, here it was, another morning when I awoke without a care in the world. Out to the kitchen I went to prepare my tea and oatmeal like a good girl making a healthy breakfast.  However, when I opened the pantry door, the Cinnamon Pop Tarts,remnants of the vacation, were staring me down.  Oh no!  Boring, bland oatmeal, or that sumptuous, warm and crispy pastry? 

Of course, we all know that the good girl should have thrown out the "pastry" immediately, but this good girl wasn't thinking clearly. In fact, she actually said to herself, "Well, for goodness sake, after everything I ate all week, what can one Pop Tart hurt?  Of course, nothing! Not to mention, it's Sunday and still officially my vacation!  I'll just get it together on Monday.  Besides, I'm only going to have one, and no one will know.  Its not going to matter, and I'm tired of all of this sacrifice.  This is no way to live!  Who am I kidding? I can't do this! I just can't!  Why is it that everyone else can wake up and have a Pop Tart if they want to? If they can, then why can't I just have one?  Fine. I'll have the one and then I'll go to the gym, even if it's Sunday. Yes, that's a good idea. I'll eat one, go to the gym, and then I'll have a salad for lunch and drink plenty of water, and all will be well.  I can do this."

So, I did. I just had one. But then it seemed silly to have just one. After all, they come in a pack of two, and that meant the other one would get stale. Also, everyone would know that I had one if the package were open.  Honestly, if I had one I might as well have the other. Would it really make a difference? You see where this is going, right? Of course I had the second. But then I realized that it was a new box of Pop Tarts, and everyone would know that I had opened the box and that one double-pack would be missing!  "Just throw it out. Throw it out. Throw it out," yelled the voice in my head.

Damn! I should have thought of that earlier! Well, that single pack of two measly Pop Tarts hadn't satisfied me at all. "Who cares, anyway?  I can't live like this, always depriving myself of something I want," my mind said. "I can't just work and do for everyone else and never give myself anything. I'm so tired of never giving myself anything.  I can't stand this anymore. It's just a stupid Pop Tart! I might just as well have it since tomorrow I start all over again and won't ever be able to have Pop Tart for the rest of my life! And the last one was... so perfect...so delicious."

"Fine," I remember thinking, "But just one more. Not two more. Just because the package is open, I'm not going to play that game. Just one...Okay, now I have eaten three Pop Tarts. Is it really going to matter if I have a fourth?  I've already blown it, really blown it. If I had only one, then I could have stopped because it was only one, but now after three?  Who cares if I have a fourth?  No one! Should have stopped with just the one.  Well, that's it.  After four there is no reason to eat anything else today.  That's what I'll do. I'll just not eat anything else today because then I will be even." 

I then began thinking about the damage I might have done on vacation, since I hadn't yet stepped on the scale.  At least that thought kept me from going for the last two Pop Tarts! I hadn't been on the scale in a few days because I got to thinking that it was vacation time and why should I make myself feel bad?   

'Well," I reasoned, "I'll get on now. I don't have to tell anyone how much I gained. Plus, it's all going to be water weight, anyway. No need to worry. I can feel myself retaining with this heat. I'm not going to make myself feel bad about enjoying my vacation. I deserve better than that negative thinking all the time; I deserve so much better in life.  That's it.  That's all I needed.  I am now going to start, right now! This minute! This is the first day of the rest of my life! Not tomorrow, but this moment, and I feel so inspired, so strong, so motivated!  I will loose whatever has to be lost! I will conquer my fears! I will get on that scale right now, and I will look at that number, and I will stare it down and  own it. I will not make any excuses! I will no longer lie to myself!  I can do this!"

"...I can't believe it. Impossible. Something's wrong. The scale is off. There's no way. I did not put on six pounds this week. Impossible!  I hardly ate at all.  This is not fair. Not fair.  This is NOT FAIR!  Okay, it's water weight and bulk. After all, I just ate four Pop Tarts. And I've been drinking a lot of water. I'm retaining.  That's it. I can't believe I got on that scale knowing the number would be wrong. I don't know why I do this to myself.  I am not up six pounds. I'm not. I ran and exercised every day while I was away.  I'm not up six pounds!  This is not even right.  There has to be something wrong with me.  I can't keep living like this! It's not worth it. Why can't I just eat like everyone else? What's wrong with me?  Who cares anyway? I just don't care anymore.  I don't care anymore!   I'm giving up. I'm so negative. This is not helping me. All the books say that I should not feel so negative about myself. Okay, I'm going to stop the negativity and I'm going to stop playing this stupid game.  I can't do this.  I won't do this.  I'll not live like this...

...Fine, I'll start again tomorrow.  Monday. The beginning of the workweek. Until then I'm not going to keep beating myself up.  And, what the heck; I might as well go finish off the rest of the Pop Tarts before someone starts putting two and two together and realizes that I ate four of them this morning. They might think something's wrong with me.  I should just throw them out. Maybe I'll throw them out... Okay, I'll have one more, and then I'll throw them out.  I will just tell anyone who asks that I didn't want anyone to eat that unhealthy junk, so I decided for everyone's good to throw them out.  That's what I'll do.  Yup. Throw them out after I eat one more, or maybe two.  I mean, at this point, will it really make a difference?  I am already up six pounds.  Is another freaking Pop Tart really going to make that much difference?  Really?  Besides, I might as well just eat them until I'm so sick of them that I'll never want to look at another Pop Tart again.  That's what I'll do.  I'll make myself sick of eating, and then I'll just have some water. Tomorrow I'll have a fresh start.  No one will even have to know.  Good plan.  I can do this.  I will do this.  Tomorrow.

Don't play this game, there are no tomorrow's! If now is not good enough then when? 

Just Lose It!