Tea Time with Berta
Feeling Edgy? I often spot certain personality types or behaviors and label them with my own little catchwords or phrases. My favorite word to describe many Just Lose It readers and clients is Edgy. Not Edgy as depicted in the movies, but more like Edgy as in living in the fast lane: the did it, done it, had it yesterday lane. In some it is a subtle personality trait, whereas others demonstrate it more overtly. So, if you recognize yourself in the following pages, you might become a little clearer about how your personality drives your weight loss journey. Let's see. Do you frequently complain that you can't get anything done because there isn't enough time in your day? I hear this quite often, and usually after a bit of probing, the client mentions that drama-her own or that of a friend-consumes most of her day. Do you frequently find yourself involved in, or on the periphery of, some situation or another that distracts you from your day-to-day responsibilities? Sometimes a client will admit to being so sensitive to certain individuals that any interaction with them renders her dysfunctional for the day. Sound familiar? Do you take umbrage with virtually everything a certain person says or does? Are many of your relationships a little tumultuous? Is it possible at all possible that you might be at fault? There are other Edgy indicators. Let's go on. Are you Edgy in the sense that other drivers frequently need to receive your unsolicited and unedited advice? Is the bagger at Stop Rite regularly peppered with your helpful suggestions? Conversely, do you find yourself biting your tongue, holding back, ready to burst...and bursting when hubby fails to acknowledge all you do for him? Perhaps your Edge comes out when you nit-pick, looking for the high that comes from the clash with your mother-in-law, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend or wife. Are you always seeking that high, either in a good time or a good argument? If this is beginning to ring a bell, I'll bet that you're probably not aware of doing it; however, if there is always some kind of drama in your life, you're probably Edgy. Another version of the Edgy type is attracted by high energy, seat-of-the-pants risk takers. They keep dating the bad boy and wonder why it ends badly. They make plans built on fantasy. The Edgy person is certain she'll win big with the next lottery ticket, and she spends her time dreaming of a fairy tale future where no effort will be necessary to secure a blissful existence. Kind of like those of us who have believed that new diet craze or pill or berry would melt the pounds away, leaving us with the grand prize of a new body. If you said yes to any of the above, you live on the Edge! Edgy people have an unquenchable need to be into something exhilarating: buying, trying, conspiring, looking for the high. Why? Well, for many reasons, not the least of which is that we don't like to be alone with ourselves. Therefore, we fill in our days, keeping busier and busier doing whatever it is that will fill in the gaps! We live on the edge of our personal reality because if we don't fill the gaps with a little melodrama, we might just find ourselves alone in the kitchen, surrounded by...what? Well, food, of course! We can call it food or we can call it what it is: distraction, drama. How so? Edgy things distract us; they cause emotional spikes and allow us to feel intense emotions that are unlike the emotions we feel without the drama. For some it's alcohol, for some it's shopping, for others it's gambling, and for many of us it's food! I have written at length about the fact that addiction presents under many guises; however, addiction is addiction, the vice is just a variable. When I work with edgy people, I find that with almost every passing week there unfolds a new and exhilarating drama. On the rare occasion when nothing new presents itself, an old drama is resurrected and revised. The clients always present the drama as a catastrophic event, thus legitimatizing their inability to have a clean week. Apparently they believe it is legitimate to say that the mother-in-law's illness threw them a curve ball, leaving them feeling used, unappreciated, and angry, on top of taking up all of their time. Perhaps there is an argument with their partner over the vacation destination that has them feeling used, unappreciated, and angry, on top of taking up all their time? Or the children are acting up and the dog has the runs and they have spent the week steam cleaning the rugs, leaving them feeling used, unappreciated and angry, on top of taking up all of their time. Sometimes it's future drama: talk of layoffs, an impending visit by one of the "sensitive" people that leaves them feeling used, unappreciated and angry, on top of potentially taking up all of their time. Edgy people, Edgy life. Something always pushing them to an emotional crisis. I was overly dramatic at one point in the past, but I am happy to say that with some effort, most of the melodrama has subsided. Not that issues don't come up here and there. There are still worries about the kids, the furnace going, someone getting sick; however, I don't lose myself in everyone else's stuff anymore. How did I get to this place of satisfaction with life? Well, I realized that I would have to find peace within if I ever wanted to go through my life in peace. I liken this part of the work to entering the dessert because to begin this journey, and to get to the end, you must go into the dessert. You must be with yourself and face your personal demons. What will this accomplish? Well, perhaps you might realize that the drama and the excuses for not being able to stay on track, for failing to have a clean week, lay in the dessert, and perhaps you need 40 days and 40 nights to put on the brakes. Perhaps you need to live unencumbered by material and emotional stuff. You see, the material stuff needs looking at, as well, because when you're constantly reaching for it, chances are good that you don't need another handbag: you're looking for the momentary thrill of the purchase to distract you from yourself. How about taking a look at your time. How often do you plan to start eating right, drawing up a healthy grocery list and plan to shop only to find that you can't make it to the store because a friend really needed to talk, or you heard some juicy news and had to tell one or ten of your closest friends? Looking at your time, you might notice that whenever you choose yourself, you create some drama that interferes with your doing the right thing for yourself. What if you just stop and envision yourself in that dessert. Look at the great expanse and consider the idea that a trip through the desert doesn't have to be a long, dry, lonely walk to the other side. You've never been there, so you can't know that deserts have much more to offer than you could have ever imagined. The desert affords you the opportunity to focus on what is real and what is important. In the desert you can plan your delicious, healthy meals, and eat them regularly. You can carry your water and drink to life, and when drama threatens, refuse to get involved; recognize that it's a mirage designed to distract you from your purpose. Don't nurture the drama with your food and water. It can be hard to do this because Edgy things feel real, but they aren't. They are lies and deceptions and promises of things you can never acquire because nothing exists on the Edge. The Edge is a place of secrets, of unfathomable plot twists. The Edge is a soap opera in vibrant, living color with new heroines, villains and lovers moving in and out of the shadows. The dessert, on the other hand, is open, predictable. Its colors are muted, its inhabitants designed for survival under difficult conditions. Whereas an Edgy romance will have you selecting the wedding dress before the second course and breaking up with acrimony before the second date, romance in the desert will have you getting to know the other gradually, discovering mutual interests and love, perhaps later planning a life together, a life of constancy and commitment. What does the Edge look like when it comes to food? Well, first of all, we know we will fall off of this Edge with regularity because it doesn't exist. There really is no such thing as the next Diet Craze! It doesn't exist! We can't lose hundreds of pounds in a few months. That is the Edge! The fact remains that if you want to lose your weight and become healthier you have to change the way you eat, and that might mean that you have to go into the dessert and get some answers about what is triggering and scaring you. You need to find out why the idea of eating moderately and letting yourself go to bed just a little hungry every night for as many nights as it takes makes you want to run and scream into the night. Picture someone in an abusive relationship. Okay, you know that person needs to get out of the relationship, right? They agree, yet they stay for years and years. They're knocked about here and there, but then come the flowers and gentle words, and the memories of all the over-the-top good, crazy times. How could they think of trading this Edginess for a calm, consistent, respectful man, the desert dweller who will remain steadfast in his love no matter what life throws your way. For some, their edge is the bad relationship. It's obvious that there is a better relationship path: one that brings happiness and joy and real love, instead of lies and deceit. If you think about it, there is no real difference between your situation and that one. If you are still thinking that some fancy berry is going to be the next love of your life solving all of your problems, then you, too, are in an abusive relationship. May I be the friend whose advice you might finally take into consideration? I have seen you get knocked around once too often. I have picked you up and helped bandage your wounds. I have heard the lies you believed, and I am telling you that I know the way. It is safer. It is solid. It is dependable. It might appear boring and mundane at first, but in the end there will be nothing mundane about the way you look and feel. All you need to do is begin slowly, realizing that perhaps you have been filling your life with distractions. Model your weight loss journey after the solid relationship where time is spent building trust and friendship, for that is the relationship that will celebrate life with children and many, many, anniversaries. Choose life! I can help! |
