j Tea Time with Berta
Just for today, I choose happiness We truly are our worst enemies, as you have no doubt seen over and over. We create our own problems and thwart our own progress, sabotaging our efforts to find happiness. Many years ago I was fairly miserable and willing to lay the blame for my problems at the feet of the usual suspects-my parents, boyfriends, husband, siblings, or friends. Basically, if you didn't understand the pain and suffering I was going through, or if you helped place it there, my state of mind was your fault. I was miserable and I continued to add to my own unhappiness without really understanding the reason. Don't misunderstand, there were moments when I was actually quite happy; I would go about my day eating well, playing with my kids in my clean house, waiting for my husband to get home. A girlfriend might stop by and there would be time spent chatting and laughing. And then the spell would be broken by a call from one of the usual suspects; something would happen inside of me. I would feel my entire demeanor change. I would hear my voice dropping to a monotone when asked how I was doing, and I would hear my previously contented self reply, "Uh, you know. Okay, I guess." When they would comment that I seemed down, I would neither confirm nor deny the observation. For some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to allow certain people to know that I was happy. Why? At the time I couldn't have answered that question...until the day I did. On that day, I suddenly saw what I was doing, and the insight made me kind of sick to my stomach. I was forced to admit to myself that I was purposely being a perpetual drag. I enjoyed being a woe-is-me kind of girl. I enjoyed keeping those "usuals" suspecting that mine was a life of hardship, victimization, and unceasing injustice. In reality, life had been hard, but not on that particular day. In reality, people had taken advantage, but not on that particular day. Why did I need them to see me as the victim of perpetual injustice. Well, it was because I blamed my usual suspects for my state of being , never suspecting that it wasn't their fault. I seemed to thinkthat they deserved constant evidence of my suffering for which they were to blame. Yep, that's what I was doing. I wasn't really suffering, but I made sure to give that impression. How odd. And scary. If I wasn't truly miserable, then what had I been doing all my life? Why did I persist in thinking that my struggles were harder than those faced by everyone else, that my problems were greater than those confronted by everyone else, that my suffering was so much more intense than that endured by everyone else? I'll tell you just what I had been doing: I had been habitually lying. I had embraced and become wholly attached to my victim identity. It made me whole. I am sharing all of this because I see the same behavior in many of my clients and readers. I see the effects of their need to hold on to pain, suffering, and injustice. My clients often need to remind their usual suspects of certain "truths." Do you do the same? Do you make sure your loved ones see the generous way in which you give and give and give until you have nothing left? Do you perhaps stoop to badgering when they don't respond to your need for gratitude, for stroking, for attention? Is it possible that your subconscious takes it to the next level as you adeptly wrap your loved ones in the guilt blanket, forcing them to take notice of the suffering they have perpetuated on you, their loving victim? This behavior of "showing them" ultimately hurts your victims far less than it hurts you! When I realized that I was doing this with people that I blamed just a little bit for the way I grew up, or what I was like, I was truly shocked. What else had I been doing just to "show them" that I would never be happy, all because of them? What a waste of time and effort, of life. I realized to my horror that in one way or another I had been actively preventing myself from feeling the happiness that was there for the taking, just to prove their guilt! Could I really be that conniving? Apparently, I was, but I did not have to continue. So, from that point on, I chose to look at my life differently. I knew it wasn't going to be easy-old habits die hard-but I couldn't abide my phony self any longer. No more pathetic woe-is-me behavior, I decided! I made it my business to consciously work on taking responsibility for my happiness, and more importantly, for my unhappiness. Yes, that was the hard part. I chose to embrace what is really a simple concept: we create our happiness and our misery. The wisdom of this way of thinking gradually permeated my existence and changed my life. Can you see the value in thinking this way? Do you believe it? Think about it. We are all very willing to take credit for things we got right, the kids, the home, the accomplishments that make us happy. Ah, but when we are unhappy or dissatisfied, whose fault is it? Many of my clients point the finger outward, albeit unconsciously, when confronted with this question. I then counter with the obvious: you are no longer children, and whatever happened in childhood was over a long time ago. Unless, of course, you continue to replay that Standard 8 home movie tape to prove you were hurt, unloved, and not treated properly or respectfully, thus providing yourself with multiple opportunities to triumphantly declare, "See, not my fault!" I find their resistance to accepting personal responsibility interesting. Why? Because they are their own worst enemy, constantly reminding themselves of past slights and then trying to ease the pain. How? By eating, of course! And the cycle of abuse continues; only now it's self-abuse. Lately, I have been calling my struggling clients on just this. Although they don't want to hear it initially, none of them can honestly deny the truth that they tend to blame others for their circumstances. It is to them that I speak today in an effort to use my life as an example of a better, saner way of being. You see, after my little metanoia, my entire life changed. I stopped blaming everyone for my sadness, for my problems. I stopped competing, trying to one-up everyone else with my greater pain and problems. I also allowed others to hold onto their pain if they chose to do so. And I chose to be happy. Things did not change overnight, but I knew I was on the right road because I could see clearly that I was the one creating the problems, no matter how large or small, and I was the only one who could fix them. My relationship with everyone around me became less stressful because I accepted the truth that they were not to blame for any of my difficulties, and they were relieved that I no longer played their victim. I worked on maintaining a consistent persona, regardless of whom I was with. Not surprisingly, choosing better food, and exercising regularly became easier because I was doing it for myself, doing it to make Berta happy. And yes, it was just as scary for me at first as it is for many of you. The thought that we can have it all is foreign to most of us, as is the thought of life without the crutches of sorrow, blame and pity. Will you adopt my outlook and find yourself walking about blissfully for all eternity? Of course not! However, the changes that will manifest deep inside will bring about an internal healing. The more consistently you choose happiness, the faster that healing will occur and the sooner you will have the heart to finally treat yourself with kindness. Life will get better. Life will become easier. And when moments of sadness occur in your new world, you will not be responsible for creating them, and you will finally observe the obvious: there is far more happiness in your life than there is sorrow. It is on you to notice the happiness, embrace it, and give thanks for it! At least that's what I think. The thought that I might have continued to perpetuate the cycle of sadness longer than I did still frightens me. So, let me pose a question. What would happen if we could all just be happy with who we are and what we have accomplished? What would happen if we could all just stop beating up ourselves for what we aren't and stop beating up everyone else for what they aren't? Is that possible? I mean, could it be that you could mentally get to that place and just, well... be happy? Perhaps when someone asks, "How are you?" you might answer with a simple, "Great!" Even if you aren't entirely great, might you not attempt to fake it 'til you make it? What a concept! I will leave you with a short anecdote. Many years ago, I knew a "cutter." At the time, when I was fully enmeshed in my own version of self abuse, I thought she was a genius. We were very similar, both subconsciously looking to hurt ourselves because someone hadn't loved us the way we should have been loved, and we both wanted everyone to see our pain. She chose to cut herself-and here is the genius of it-the cutting hurt enough to mask the real pain inside, and she had ugly physical scars to show the world the extent of her pain, the injustice life had visited upon her. Mmmm? Well, I was doing the same thing, and I know many of you still are. The difference is that you use burgers, she used a blade. Eating until it hurts-and disfigures your body-can also show everyone how sad you really are. At the time, I thought what my friend was doing was so much better than my form of self-abuse. After all, she didn't have all of the fat to deal with. I gave it some thought, though, and I realized that I could never bring myself to cut into my arm. And, to be honest, an apple fritter binge seemed like a lot more appealing way to achieve the same end. However, there was no other difference between us. Pain is pain, and our badges were interchangeable, I thought. Really, they weren't, though, because I could shed mine when I was tired of carrying them; she would have hers forever. I don't choose that anymore, and I don't blame others for where I am or where I am not any longer. I take responsibility for my life-all of it-the good and the bad. And with that, since it is just really up to me, it is so much easier to choose good food, to choose health, to choose life, to choose happiness. How about it? Join me? Just for today? |
