Speaking Is Sexy Tip #22, Vol. 2
Where Does The Fear Come From ?
"It's the darnedest thing!" my client, Dave, said in one of our early sessions. "I used to be able to get up and give a talk, no sweat. I didn't get nervous... or if I did, it usually went away the minute I started speaking. But now I freeze up, my hands shake and even though I always manage to get through it, the minute I start to think about the next one, I get sick to my stomach. It's getting so I dread giving a talk, and my job depends on it. What's wrong with me?"
It's not all that unusual for someone with a track record of successful speeches to suddenly become self-conscious and nervous when facing a crowd. Even a small crowd. Dave's anxiety showed up most forcefully at presentations to potential clients in a conference room, whether it was a handful of executives or a roomful. Even with power point slides and videos to help, his mouth still went dry, sweat trickled down his back, and he felt like a fox caught in a trap.
"It's really weird," he insisted, "because I've been organizing fund-raising events and speaking at rallies since I was a kid. Now here I am, running my own consulting firm, and I feel like I'm going to faint every time I give a speech. What gives?"
Sometimes late onset performance anxiety comes from long buried memories from the past that have suddenly been triggered by something in the present. As we talked, Dave remembered incidents he hadn't thought of for years.
As a teenager, Dave was passionately describing the importance of the organization he was raising money for when an adult in the audience yelled out that he was too young to know what he was talking about and to just sit down and shut up! Even though others encouraged him to continue and he did finish his pitch, he felt vulnerable and attacked. A few years later, he was rehearsing a client presentation in front of his family when a favorite uncle laughed and told him he was wasting his time, he'd never convince anybody of anything. The uncle happened to be drunk at the time, but that didn't change the devastating effect of his criticism.
Dave ignored it and plowed on ahead, achieving outstanding results until a year ago when he'd left the company he'd worked with for ten years to start his own firm. He was a very successful, persuasive speaker. His presentations brought in new clients more often then not. Now, suddenly, he was feeling less and less confident with every speech.
"What's different now when you make a presentation," I asked Dave, "from when you made them at your previous job?"
"Nothing," Dave said. Then he thought about it for a moment. "Except that now I feel like that fourteen-year-old again.'
"
Why is that?"
Watching the faces of his audience, Dave explained, especially in a conference room where he could see them clearly, if they looked grim or uninterested or critical, he'd immediately begin to sweat. Even in a larger venue, if he spotted someone in the audience who looked disapproving, he'd immediately feel shaky. He'd never felt that way when he worked for his previous company.
"So what's different now?"
Without hesitation, Dave blurted out, "I'm working for myself now. It's just me."
"So?" I asked.
"There's so much more at stake," Dave looked at me like it was obvious. "I'm not a kid any more and I don't have a big company backing me up. If I don't bring in new clients..." he left the implication unspoken.
"How do you know what those disapproving listeners are thinking?" I asked.
Dave looked at me blankly. "I don't."
'You don't ask them later?"
"No, of course not."
'Then how do you know they disapprove?"
"I... just assume..." Dave smiled and took a deep breath. "Yeah, right, never assume. It just makes an ass of 'u' and me."
The truth is that when people look disapproving or irritated or bored, it may have absolutely nothing to do with the speaker. That may just be their 'listening face', just as some people cross their arms and frown as they grimly stare down the speaker. They're not disapproving of you; that's just the way they listen best. It helps them focus.
Fear comes from many places and takes many forms. Start by looking into your past for clues. Get someone you trust to help you. Remember that the audience came to hear you because you have something to say that they want to know. You never need to be afraid to give them what they came for.
