(Note to my Readers:  That old demon flu knocked me out this week, so here's a favorite oldie but goldie tip that never goes out of style.)
 

Speaking Is Sexy Tip #7, Vol. 2

Identify Your Fears

        On a tour to Budapest, Vienna and Prague, I met Harvey (not his real name), a businessman from New Jersey. When he found out I was a speaker's coach, he said to me immediately, "I've always wanted to get up and speak but I just can't.  It freaks me out."

         We were surrounded by our fellow travelers at a specially arranged dinner in a medieval castle in Prague.  Not the ideal moment to discuss the fear of speaking?  You'd be surprised.  Put together some wine, a convivial atmosphere and a sympathetic ear, there's no end to what people will reveal, hoping to find an answer to a problem that's been bugging them for ages.  Thus, Harvey's admission that he was afraid to speak in public.

He had raised two grown sons, run his own business for 30 years and traveled over half the world.  Face to face across a dinner table, he seemed perfectly at ease, able to handle just about anything.  Yet the thought of getting up to give a toast or a sales talk turned him to jelly.  His heart pounded and he forgot what he wanted to say or even how to breathe.  This strong, capable man felt like a babbling baby. 
         "Are you ready to talk about it?" I asked.  "Yeah, I am," he said. "It's been holding me back all my life.  I'd like to get over it."

There are so many reasons why people fear public speaking.  You can't tell which ones just by looking at them.  Harvey had mentioned an older brother, and this gave me a clue where to start.  
         "When you were growing up," I asked," how did you and your brother get along?" 
         "Like brothers," he grinned ruefully.  "We fought a lot.  He was the star of the family and I was the one who couldn't measure up." 

As a youngster in his family, Harvey said his opinion didn't count.  He felt he was never heard, nobody listened or took him seriously or worse, they ridiculed whatever he said.  So he just stopped saying what he thought.  What was the use?  Why ask for trouble?  When Harvey grew up and became a successful businessman, he outdid his brother by miles.  Yet when faced with the necessity to speak in front of a group of people, he couldn't do it. 

I asked if he was now still that same ridiculed little boy growing up in his critical and competitive family. 
         "No, of course not," he said emphatically. 
         "Yet when you have to speak to a group of people, you feel exactly the same?" 

He stared at me in silence for a moment. 
         "Y'know," he said, eyes wide, "I never thought about that." 
         "That was then, this is now," I reminded him.  "When you speak to people today, everybody listens, and nobody criticizes." 

He nodded.  "That's true," he said with a big grin.  "Nobody tells me to shut up any more.  Except," he added with a wink, "maybe my wife."  We both laughed and glanced at his wife sitting at another table across the room.  He blew her a kiss. 

When identifying the source of your fear of speaking in public, look at your past for clues.  Overcoming the limiting feelings that hamper you today will be a lot easier if you know what they are and where they came from.