NHS '65 News

The email newsletter for the Class of 1965

Northwestern High School

Hyattsville, Md.

Volume 1 Number 4: Special April 1 Edition

April 1, 2008

Remember the FIGHT SONG?! Listen again.

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About This Newsletter

This is the fourth and very special edition of NHS '65 News. Our first three editions have been very well received with over 300 classmates receiving and opening the previous edition. While your reunion committee may say that we have contact information for over 610 classmates we actually have an infinite database of every possible bit of personal information you might wish were private. Through a unique arrangement with the NSA and CIA we know everything about you! So if you aren't a bit more forthcoming with photos, stories and information we will publish all those photos you wish might never see the light of day.

Augusta National to go Public

As many golfers know, the hallowed grounds of Augusta National remain closed over the summer months following the Masters. Until now that is. Thanks to the efforts of classmate Henri deLozier an attorney and wannabee member of Augusta National the golf course will be open for public play during the months of June, July and August. The public will be made aware of this decision starting next week when the Masters golf tournament will be referred to on television as "the Masters at the Muni".

deLozier contacted Augusta National members Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, and Jack Welsh. He suggested to them that the club could easily increase its revenue from the additional greens fees and therefore moderate some of the annual assessements that plague all club members. Bill Gates said that even the membership of Augusta National was not immune to the worsening economic times and that the extra money might come in handy. Jack Welsh was particularly supportive.

He said that the membership was totally in favor of increasing the diversity of those who frequent the course. "We would welcome women and possibly even another Democrat. Warren Buffet would like to fill out his foursome and there aren't presently enough Democrats on our membership roles. Perhaps a little of the "caddyshack" aura would be good for us here at Augusta National."

So, if you have been dreaming of the chance to play Augusta National now is your chance. All you need to do is thank Henri deLozier and drop him an email as he is looking for another player to fill out his foursome for early June.

Einstein makes breakthrough physics discovery

In what is sure to merit Nobel prize consideration, our classmate, Richard Einstein published a grounbdbreaking research paper on the discovery of a new fundamental particle of matter. This particle, dubbed by Einstein as the Bigon, can only be coaxed into existence for mere millionths of a second, but amazingly, when it does materialize it is the size of a bowling ball. Einstein accidentally found the particle when a computer connected to one of his vacuum-tube experiments exploded. Video analysis of the explosion revealed a Bigon hovering over the computer for a fraction of a second. Richard theorizes that Bigons might be responsible for a host of other unexplained phenomena such as ball lightning, sinking souffles, and spontaneous human combustion.

Arm the Homeless Coalition Announced

NHS classmate J. Orson Wells Hanson announced the formation of a new charity called the "Arm the Homeless Coalition". Hanson said "the coalition will be collecting donations to provide firearms to the homeless of America. Funds will be used to provide arms, ammunition and firearm safety training for homeless individuals who pass the coalition's rigorous screening. Homeless will be selected on the basis of mental and emotional stability and their potential value to society as a whole." Hanson reports that Rush Limbaugh, the NRA, and fellow westerner and shotgun enthusiast Dick Cheney are supportive.

Good luck, Orson.

New Bill intended to clean up the Internet.

A bill currently before congress would make it illegal to surf the internet while intoxicated or to discuss sexual matters over a public network. The bill is identified as section #040108 of the Patriot Act. If this bill is passed, the FBI may use this as authority to tap the phone lines of anyone who abuses alcohol while on the internet. Passage of the bill seems certain because no members of congress are willing to support public drunkeness and computer sex.

So remember, no drinking while surfing:

BMI Chart Numbers Accidentally Reversed!
In the, "there must be a full moon tonight department"... Red-faced officials from the Department of Health and Human Services disclosed today that the Body Mass Index (BMI) charts used to calculate an individual's appropriate weight were published and have been circulated for years with a significant error. The charts have indicated that overweight Americans needed to lose weight in order to lower their BMI scores and to improve their health. Your family doctor has been telling you for years that you need to lose weight to get down to a lower BMI score in order to be healthy. Right?
Well, not after today! That advice has been based on flawed information. When the first BMI charts were published the healthy numbers were indicated to be the lower numbers due purely and simply to a mistake in the proofs sent to the printers. A typographical error that has frustrated millions.

A higher BMI number is better and healthier. Revised BMI charts will be released today with suggestions to eat more cheeseburgers and pizza. Get that number up, my friend. Not down.

Charlie Tuna

Where is he now?

After failed careers as an air traffic controller and as a fairly successful breeder of big cocks Charlie Tuna tried his hand in advanced mathematics and bio-engineering. Rumor has it that he has moved on to other endeavors.... If you know Charlie's wherabouts keep it to yourself.

New literacy program announced today.

Circumcisions Recalled

In a joint announcement today from the AMA (American Medical Association) and the AMA (American Mohel Association) there was news of a stunning development affecting millions of men. It was reported that the announcement at the joint AMA/AMA convention caused a stir described by witnesses as akin to someone rolling doughnuts down the aisles at a weight watchers convention.

All American men having circumcisions after 1946 must see their doctor or mohel immediately for circumcision repair surgery. Dr. Seymour Peters, prominent urologist noted that there have been recalls of defective automobile parts and drugs before but never in his memory has there been a recall of a surgical procedure. The procedure is absolutely necessary and involves the removal of an inch or two of tissue from the affected area. "Obviously," Dr. Peters said, "some patients will be more affected than others."

David Jaretesky, Famed Hollywood Mohel - who earlier in his career mistakenly thought he was destined to be a famed hollywood "mogul" like the Warner brothers or Louis B. Mayer, didn't mince words when describing the severity of the procedure. "Recovery will be difficult" he said "and involves splints and tape and consumption of massive amounts of micoxafloppin (which is available under the trade name, "Viagra" ).

Jaretesky demonstrating the excrutiating pain associated with the circumcision repair procedure.

My apologies!

This attempt at humor is entirely my responsibility. No one on the reunion committee or anyone associated with Northwestern High School had any idea I would publish this special April Fool's Day edition of the newsletter. So, if you are offended by anything I have written please know that I am solely responsible for everything you read above.

You may write me with your comments. Hey, did you hear that the long lost Elvis tapes were discovered in Graceland yesterday? You fill in the rest of the story...

Dwight Gentry