Codependency   
April 2012 
 
Codependency is an unhealthy tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that harm one's relationships and quality of life.  It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.  Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.  Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking. 

Characteristics of codependent people:

  • An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
  • A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to "love" people they can pity and rescue
  • A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
  • A tendency to become hurt when people don't recognize their efforts
  • An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The codependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
  • An extreme need for approval and recognition
  • A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
  • A compelling need to control others
  • Lack of trust in self and/or others
  • Fear of being abandoned or alone
  • Difficulty identifying feelings
  • Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
  • Problems with intimacy/boundaries
  • Chronic anger
  • Lying/dishonesty
  • Poor communications
  • Difficulty making decisions
Codependent people relate in the following ways: 
  • My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
  • My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
  • Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain.
  • My mental attention is focused on you.
  • My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
  • My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
  • My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
  • My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
  • My own hobbies/interests are put to one side.  My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests.
  • Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
  • Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
  • I am not aware of how I feel.  I am aware of how you feel.
  • I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want.  I am not aware - I assume.
  • The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
  • My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
  • My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
  • I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
  • My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
  • I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
  • I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
  • The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
  

Hello,

 

If you struggle with codependency, consider doing some reading (Codependent No More) and/or attending a Codependents Anonymous meeting.  There is a lot of hope for healing and recovery.   

 Photo

After codependency, you learn the subtle difference  

between holding a hand and chaining a soul 
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning 
and company doesn't always mean security. 
 
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 
and presents aren't promises 
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up 
and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. 
 
And you learn to build all your roads on today, because tomorrow's ground 
is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. 
 
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns  if you get too much
so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.  

And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth, and you learn,and you learn, with every goodbye, you learn...
(Veronica A. Shaffstall, 1971) 
      
All the best to you,  

 

Kristen

  

Dr. Kristen Platt

 OrangeCountyTherapy.org 

1151 Dove Street, Ste. 200

Newport Beach, CA  92660
949) 422-5334
DrPlatt@OrangeCountyTherapy.org