Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships.  By establishing clear boundaries, we define ourselves in relation to others.  To do this, however, we must be able to identify and respect our needs, feelings, opinions and rights.  Otherwise, our efforts would be like putting a fence around a yard without knowing the property lines.

Boundaries can be physical or emotional.  Physical boundaries define who can touch us, how someone can touch us, and how physically close another may approach us.  Emotional boundaries define where our feelings end and someone else's begin.  Together, our physical and emotional boundaries define how we interact with others, and how we allow others to interact with us.  Without boundaries, others could touch us in any way they wanted, do whatever they wish with our possessions, and treat us in any way they desired.  In addition, we would believe everyone else's bad behaviors are our fault, take on everyone's else's problems as our own, and feel like we don't have any rights.  Our lives would be chaotic and out of our control.

Boundaries can be too rigid.  Those whose boundaries are too rigid literally shut out everyone from their lives.  They appear aloof and distant, and do not talk about feelings or show emotions.  They exhibit extreme self-sufficiency, and do not ask for help.  They do not allow anyone to get physically or emotionally close to them.  It is as if they live in a house surrounded by an immense wall with no gates. No one is allowed in.

Boundaries can be too loose.  Those with loose boundaries put their hands on strangers and let others touch them inappropriately.  They may be sexually promiscuous, confuse sex and love, or get too close to others too fast.  They may take on the feelings of others as their own, easily become emotionally overwhelmed, give too much, take too much, or be in constant need of reassurance.  They may expect others to read their minds, think they can read the minds of others, say "yes" when they want to say "no," or feel responsible for the feelings of others.  Those with loose boundaries often lead chaotic lives, full of drama, as if they lived in houses with no fences, gates, locks, or even doors.

Those with healthy boundaries are firm but flexible.  They respect their feelings, needs, opinions, and rights, and those of others, but are clear about their separateness. They are responsible for their own happiness and allow others to be responsible for their happiness. They are assertive and respectful of the rights of others to be assertive. They are able to negotiate and compromise, have empathy for others, are able to make mistakes without damaging their self-esteem, and have an internal sense of personal identity. They respect diversity. Those with healthy boundaries are comfortable with themselves, and make others comfortable around them.  They live in houses with fences and gates that allow access only to those who respect their boundaries.

Here are some tips for setting healthy boundaries, modified from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne Katherine:

• When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible.  Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting.  Do not argue.  Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.

• You can't set a boundary and take care of someone else's feelings at the same time.  You are not responsible for the other person's reaction to the boundary you are setting.  You are only responsible for communicating the boundary in a respectful manner.  If others get upset with you, that is their problem.  If they no longer want your friendship, then you may have to let the friendship go.

• At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary.  Do it anyway, and tell yourself you have a right to take care of yourself.  Setting boundaries takes practice and determination.  Don't let anxiety or low self-esteem stop you.

• When you feel anger or resentment, or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary.  Listen to yourself, then determine what you need to do or say.  Then communicate your boundary assertively.  When you are confident you can set healthy boundaries with others, you will have less need to put up walls.

• When you set boundaries, you might be tested, especially by those who are accustomed to controlling you, abusing you or manipulating you.  Plan on it, expect it, and be firm.  Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting.  You can't establish a clear boundary if you send a mixed message by apologizing for doing so, or backing down when pressured.  Be firm, clear and respectful.

• Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic people from your life - those who want to manipulate you, abuse you and control you.

• Setting healthy boundaries allows your true self to emerge - and what an exciting journey that is.

Learning to set boundaries can feel uncomfortable, or even scary, because it may go against the grain of what you learned in childhood.  If you feel some anxiety, try to work through it, in order to have healthy relationships.  This process takes time, so be patient with yourself.  Remind yourself that this is a healthy way to live and that you have a right to set boundaries with others.

All the best,

Kristen