"Expectations are resentments under construction."

-- Anne Lamott  

When we hold on to specific expectations of our partner, we often set ourselves up for disappointment, anger and resentment.  I have found that most people bring many unspoken expectations to their relationships.  After a while, arguments and dissatisfaction set in, and sometimes it's hard to know what went wrong.   

Naturally, we want our partner to follow through on promises, treat us well and do their part to maintain a satisfying relationship.  It can be tricky to have realistic expectations of others because we know what we want and need from them, but often we don't know much about their ability and desire to meet those wants and needs.  Or, perhaps we fail to communicate what we want.  Clarifying expectations is important.  It involves personal awareness and communicating with your partner. 

The following is an exercise to explore your expectations of your relationship.   Consider each question in light of what you want.  

• Do you expect to love each other always?  Do you expect this will change over time?
• What do you expect regarding your sex life?
• Describe what romance/connection means to you.
• Do you want children?  More children?  How do you want the children raised?
• Provision of income:  Who will work in the future?  Is one person's career or job more important than the other's?   
• The degree of each partner's emotional dependency on the other:  Do you want to be taken care of?  How?  How much do you expect to rely on each other to get through the tough times?
• Basic approach to life:  As a team?  As two independent individuals?
• Loyalty:  What does that mean to you?
• How do you want to deal with problems in the relationship?
• Power and control:  Who do you expect will have more power and in what kinds of decisions?  For example, who will control the money?  Discipline the kids?  What happens when you disagree in a key area?  Who has the power now, and how do you feel about that?
• Household tasks:  Who do you expect will do what?  How does the current breakdown match up to what you expect in the future?
• Religious beliefs and observances:  Be specific about where, when or what rituals you'd expect to observe and how important it is to you that such rituals be mutual?   
• How much time do you want to spend together?  Alone?  With friends or family, at work and so on?
• Sharing feelings: How much of what you are each feeling do you expect should be shared?
• Friendship with your partner:  What is a friend?  What does it mean to have a friendship with your mate?
• The little things in life:  Think carefully about the little things that can cause a lot of irritation.  What do you want or expect in each area?
• How important is forgiveness to your relationship?  What still needs to be forgiven?
• What is your overall long-term vision for the relationship?  Is it "till death do us part?"
• What do you expect in the areas of caring, recognition, commitment, integrity and acceptance?
• Any other expectations about how you want things to be that are not already listed?

After you and your partner have had the opportunity to work on the exercise individually, plan to spend time together discussing these expectations.

Source:  Fighting For Your Marriage, by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg