Have you ever found yourself thinking - if my partner really loved me, he/she would change?  It is a very common thought process and is often accompanied by a great deal of frustration and hurt because getting someone to change, grow, meet our needs, understand, and think the way we do is very difficult and often impossible.

Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what  

little chance you have in trying to change others.

-Jacob M. Braude

• Do you find yourself putting in more energy into changing your partner than they do in changing themselves?
• Is your relationship emotionally draining?
• Do you find yourself resenting your partner because he/she won't change, and you believe you know what is best for them?
• Do you ever feel as if you are a failure when your partner won't change?
• Would your partner call your persistent care "nagging or controlling?"
• What would you be doing with your time if you weren't trying to fix your partner?

If your partner is going to change, it is up to him or her to decide to make those changes.  Be careful about assuming that your partner's resistance to change or growth is about how much they love you.  Everyone grows and changes according to their own timing.  Each person's motivation and rate of growth is based on many things (maturity, life experiences, open mindedness, needs, values, goals, and more).  It has little to do with how much they love you. 

You have the ability to influence others, but ultimately each person must make their own decisions. This is not something you have control over.  Trying to rush someone along in life, so that they will be the person you want and need, usually just creates a lot of conflict.  

Once you recognize this, you'll have more peace in your life. You won't be consumed with so much worry about things you can't control or change. It also sends a clear message that you believe your partner is capable of making his/her own decisions, and is responsible for making his/her own changes. It can be like retiring from a very stressful job, once you let go of all the work and worry. What else you could do with that time and emotional energy?

Communicating more effectively:

You will only invite defensiveness and conflict by yelling at your partner or telling them what they are doing is wrong. This type of communication will hurt your partner's feelings and cause him/her to put up emotional walls that will block your efforts. When those walls go up, no progress will be made.  Since we can only control and change ourselves, let's look at how to improve your communication skills and increase the chance that your partner will make a change. One way to do this, is to tell your partner what you desire in the relationship.  Instead of telling your partner what they are doing wrong, tell them what your needs are. For example, instead of saying, "You always come home and ignore me," say, "What can I do so that we can spend a little more time together when you come home?" By doing this, you are no longer blaming them for not meeting your needs. You are simply letting them know the relationship is not meeting your needs. Nobody likes to be criticized, but most of the time people like to help others. By approaching your partner this way, you are allowing them to come up with suggestions about how they can help you get what you need instead of you demanding they change to meet your needs.