Assertive communication can improve both your
self- esteem and your relationships, as well as reduce stress in your life. What
does it mean to be assertive? Assertive
people have the following
characteristics:
- They feel free to express their
feelings, thoughts, and desires.
- They
know their rights and what is fair.
- They have control
over their anger and talk about angry feelings in
an effective way without hurting others.
- They
are willing to defend
themselves against
aggressive people.
An assertive
style of behavior is to interact with people while
standing up for your rights. Being assertive does not mean that one
always gets what he/she wants.
The result of being assertive is that:
- You feel good about yourself.
- Other people know how to
deal with you because you are clear, rather than vague about yourself.
In contrast, passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and
thus allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate them.
Aggressive communicators do not respect
the personal boundaries of others and often harm others
while trying to influence them or state their point of view.
Test your assertiveness! (take a quiz)
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Becoming More Assertive
People learn
to communicate assertively by
overcoming the fear of speaking their mind. They begin to share their thoughts, feelings, needs and wants with others.
The best way
to become more assertive is to start using I-statements. This is a
statement that begins with the word "I" and is about how you're feeling
and how you're affected by someone's behavior. It
is a way to assert oneself without putting the listener on the
defensive. By using I-statements you are also taking ownership of your feelings and speaking up about them instead of keeping them inside or saying they are caused by the other person.
Examples:
"I feel
undermined when
you tell the kids they can do something that I've already told
them they can't."
"I feel
frustrated when you are
late."
"I feel
attacked and angry when you yell."
"I feel
unimportant and insecure when you forget about the plans we
made."
When it is
unclear to the listener what you'd like from them,
add the following: "I'd appreciate it if you would ______."
3 Tips:
1. Make sure your body reflects confidence - stand
up straight and make eye contact.
2. Use a firm, but pleasant, tone.
3. Don't
assume what the other person's motives are, especially if you think
they're negative. Always ask.
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Hello,
I know it is challenging to change the way we communicate. It takes courage and effort. Becoming more assertive, whether you struggle with a passive style or an aggressive style, can improve your relationships and help you feel much better about yourself. You may also find that you start getting what you want! This is because others will hear you rather than defend themselves with you, or simply not know what you want because you haven't spoken up.
I strongly encourage you to think about the way you communicate and experiment with some I-statements.
All the best,
Kristen
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