Dealing with Difficult People
September 2010
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Research shows that supportive relationships
are good for our mental and physical health. However, dealing with
difficult people and maintaining ongoing negative relationships is
actually detrimental to our health. It's a good idea to diminish or
eliminate relationships that are filled with conflict and pain.
But what do you do if the person in question is a family member,
co-worker, or someone you otherwise can't easily eliminate from your
life?
The following are tips for dealing with difficult people who are in your life: - Avoid
discussing divisive and personal issues, like religion and politics, or
other issues that tend to cause conflict. If the other person tries to
engage you in a discussion that will probably become an argument,
change the subject or leave the room.
- In dealing with
difficult people, don't try to change the other person; you will only
get into a power struggle, cause defensiveness, invite criticism, or
otherwise make things worse. It also makes you a more difficult person to deal with.
- Change your response
to the other person; this is all you have the power to change. For
example, don't feel you need to accept abusive behavior. You can use assertive communication to draw boundaries when the other person chooses to treat you in an unacceptable way.
- Remember that most relationship difficulties are due to a dynamic between two people rather than one person being unilaterally "bad."
- Try
to look for the positive aspects of others, especially when dealing
with family, and focus on them. The other person will feel more
appreciated, and you will likely enjoy your time together more.
- However,
don't pretend the other person's negative traits don't exist. Don't
tell your secrets to a gossip, rely on a flake, or look for affection
from someone who isn't able to give it. This is part of accepting them
for who they are.
- Get your needs met from others who are able to meet your needs. Tell your secrets to a trustworthy friend who's a good listener, or process your feelings through journaling, for example. Rely on people who have proven themselves to be trustworthy and supportive. This will help you and the other person by taking pressure off the relationship and removing a source of conflict.
- Know
when it's time to distance yourself, and do so. If the other person
can't be around you without antagonizing you, minimizing contact may be
key. If they're continually abusive, it's best to cut ties and let them
know why. Explain what needs to happen if there ever is to be a
relationship, and let it go.
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