There are hundreds of studies that show that positive loving connections with others protect us from stress and help us cope better with life's challenges and traumas.
For example, simply holding the hand of a loving partner can affect us profoundly. It literally calms jittery neurons in the brain. Dr. Coan of the University of Virginia told women patients having an MRI brain scan that when a little red light on the machine came on, they might receive a small electrical shock on their feet - or they might not. This information lit up the stress centers in patients' brains. When the women had partners holding their hands, they registered less stress. When they were shocked, they experienced less pain. The effect was noticeably stronger in the happiest relationships, the ones where partners scored high on measures of satisfaction and that the researchers called Supercouples. The conclusion was that contact with a loving partner literally acts as a buffer against shock, stress and pain.
Another study, done by Dr. Eisenberger of the University of California, showed that when we are rejected and excluded by others the area of the brain that is triggered (the anterior cingulate) is the same as when we experience physical pain. When we say we have "hurt feelings," it is a very accurate way to describe what has happened to us.
In contrast, when we are close to, hold or are comforted by our partners, we are flooded with the "cuddle hormones" oxytocin and vasopressin. These hormones seem to turn on "reward" centers in the brain, resulting in an increase in hormones such as dopamine, which calm us and make us happy. Stress hormones, such as cortisol, are turned off!
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 Fifty years ago, women ranked "love" 5th as a factor in choosing a mate. By the 1990's, it topped the list for both men and women. A recent study showed that college students' key expectation from marriage is "emotional security." Clearly, our need for a strong emotional bond is becoming more and more important.
When it comes to creating this in our lives, many of us struggle. Painful experiences from our past, a lack of positive role modeling from our parents and unconscious processes that seem to keep us protected and distant from others can all contribute to the struggle.
As Valentine's Day approaches and we think about our relationships, including perhaps those that have ended, it may be a good time to consider learning more about connecting emotionally. There are some really helpful books available - two that I'd like to recommend are:
The Seven Levels of Intimacy, Matthew Kelly and
Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson
All the best,
Kristen
Dr. Kristen Platt
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
1151 Dove Street, Suite 200
Newport Beach, CA 92660
949) 422-5334
DrPlatt@OrangeCountyTherapy.org
www.OrangeCountyTherapy.org
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QUOTES
"Love is not the icing on the cake of life. It is a basic primary need, like oxygen or water."
Dr. Sue Johnson
"A person's heart withers if it does not answer another heart."
Pearl S. Buck
"We live in the shelter of each other."
Celtic saying
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