OrangeCountyTherapy.org Newsletter


Is There a Narcissist in Your Life?

October 2009

What is narcissism and who is most
vulnerable to getting stuck in a
relationship with a narcissist?

More and more people are learning about Narcisisstic Personality Disorder (NPD) and the traits that those with this disorder have.  Some have learned through experience with people in their lives and others because of the popularity of books such as Why Is it Always about You? and The Narcissism Epidemic:  Living in the Age of Entitlement.

NPD is complex and can be difficult to understand.  There are traits that can seem healthy, such as good self-esteem, prioritizing one's own needs and enjoying getting positive attention.  It's when there are extremes in these traits, such as being unable to consider the needs of others, that serious problems in relationships occur.

The diagnostic criteria for NPD from the Diagnositic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV-TR is:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

  1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.
  2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love (meglomania).
  3. Believes they are "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, people (or institutions) who are also "special" or of high status.
  4. Requires excessive admiration.
  5. Has a sense of entitlement.
  6. Is interpersonally exploitative.
  7. Lacks empathy and compassion.
  8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her.
  9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Some people have narcissistic traits or tendencies and do not meet the criteria for NPD.  Just like all maladies, there is a continuum - from mild traits/symptoms to severe.

"The only way to exist with a narcissist
is to agree with them or avoid them." 

Anonymous        


Who is most vulnerable to getting stuck in an unhealthy relationship with a narcissist? 

Those with:
  • Poor self esteem - you agree with the narcissist that your needs aren't important.
  • Poor boundaries - if you are unsure whose feelings and needs are whose and who is responsible for them, you can find yourself very focused on meeting the many, many needs of a narcissist.
  • High levels of loneliness or desperation - settling for less than you really want in a relationship because something is better than nothing.
  • The belief that you can change someone by pleasing them or teaching them about healthy relationships - some people take on the challenge of trying to change their partner and tell themselves that if they succeed, then their partner really loves them and perhaps will never leave them.  In these cases, hope seems to drive the relationship and the reality of the dysfunction and unhappiness is denied, justified or rationalized away.
If you struggle with one or more of these issues, you may want to consider finding a self-help approach (books, workbooks, exercises) or seek help from a therapist.


photo I have known so many people who have struggled with the misery of trying to have a satisfying relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits.  This is something I have struggled with and I know how very, very difficult it can be. Narcissists can be extremely charming, fun to be with, successful and full of promises.  Sometimes these great qualities can keep us hanging on to an unhealthy relationship.

When in the midst of struggling with all the difficulties, confusion and dysfunction, as well as the emotional rollercoaster of feeling hopefulness followed by defeat and despair, it can be helpful to do some research on NPD.  You will find that others have experienced surprisingly similar problems.  It will help you to see that what you have taken on (trying to have a satisfying relationship with a narcissist) is nearly impossible.  There are some great books available on NPD (Browse books at Amazon.com) and help from a therapist can also be very valuable.

It can be quite painful to discover the depths of the psychological problems inherent in NPD.  Often, this means giving up on the hope of having a healthy relationship with this person and eventually moving on in life.  Leaving the narcissist whom you have loved, or hoped to have a healthy relationship with, can be a heartbreaking  loss and also feel like a huge relief.

If you decide to end a relationship with a narcissist or distance yourself from one, you may find yourself feeling guilty and/or lost.  Guilt may come up as you prioritize your own needs for a healthy relationship/life rather than continuing to put your needs in second place.  You may feel lost because you have put so much time and energy into the relationship and therefore don't have a sense of balance in your own life.  I suggest acknowledging these feelings, taking time to find your way and giving yourself permission to prioritize yourself.  This will be a great start to enjoying a more fulfilling life!

Warm regards,

Kristen
Thank you for your comments on last month's newsletter! 
Please feel free to contact me with comments or questions on NPD!

Dr. Kristen Platt
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
1151 Dove Street, Suite 200
Newport Beach, CA  92660
949 422-5334
DrPlatt@OrangeCountyTherapy.org
www.OrangeCountyTherapy.org