Intimacy cannot develop without trust.
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Rather than thinking about others when it comes to trust, let's think about trust as something you do well or not. In other words, instead of "Can I trust you?", let's ask, "Do I trust well?"
Some people grow up with a good ability to judge whether or not to trust, and others, because of their needs and life experiences, have more difficulty with this issue. Having a good eye for trust involves having a healthy sense of our own identities. This means having a positive self-image, the ability to value ourselves and our decisions, and a good sense for protecting our own boundaries. We need to know what we stand for and what is best for us. Trust also involves developing the ability to make good judgments. When we have the self-confidence that comes with knowing and liking ourselves, as well as the ability to make decisions which benefit us, we are usually able to decide about whom to trust.
Trust between two people emerges over time. We gradually reveal more and more about ourselves until the relationship achieves a sense of intimacy. Building trust is a mutual process and it does take time. We feel comfortable revealing things about ourselves when the other person has shown that he or she is willing to take the same risk and is both accepting and caring.
Some people trust blindly. They want intimacy immediately and reveal everything all at once, expecting the other person will do the same. What usually happens is that the other person will feel overwhelmed and back off from closeness. The need to try to be close so quickly usually has to do with loneliness, feeling desperate, wanting someone to rescue you, poor boundaries and/or poor self-image. These issues make relationships very difficult, and often quite painful as rejection occurs over and over.
Other people find it is difficult to trust anybody else at all. They may feel protected, but the walls are so high that they may never find an intimate relationship. Often, walls go up when painful experiences have not been resolved and the fear of being hurt again takes over as a way to approach all new relationships. Taking the time to allow old wounds to heal will help reduce the need for protection and allow for closeness to develop when it feels safe to trust again.
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 We all know that trust is an important part of relationships. What can be difficult to understand is how it develops, how to rebuild it when it's damaged and how to avoid the pitfalls of trusting too soon. Over the years, as I have learned about trust and helped others with their issues, what stands out the most is how our self-esteem is tied to trusting well. When we value ourselves we make better decisions and do a better job looking out for ourselves. When self-esteem is low, we allow others or the "shoulds" we tell ourselves, to guide our decision making. So many of us think we "should" trust people, or we "should" cooperate with what others want.
What works much better is to ask yourself what is best for you. When meeting new people or building trust in a romantic relationship, don't just follow the other's lead and trust their sense of what's best for you. Look to yourself for guidance.
If you are lonely, feel needy, have a difficult time being alone, or are hoping someone will rescue you, you are at risk of trusting blindly and getting hurt. It could be very helpful to look into these issues and make sure you recognize when you are moving too fast and sharing too much.
Take a moment to reflect on whether or not you trust well. Being more aware of your habits and beliefs can help you to do a better job taking care of yourself, building trust with others and developing closeness with those you feel safe opening up to.
Warmly,
Kristen
Dr. Kristen Platt
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
1151 Dove Street, Suite 200
Newport Beach, CA 92660
949) 422-5334
DrPlatt@OrangeCountyTherapy.org
www.OrangeCountyTherapy.org
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QUOTES
"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy."
Walter Anderson
"Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do."
Benjamin Spock
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OrangeCountyTherapy.org
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