Dear ,
It
became apparent to me this week that I've underestimated my reading
audience's opinionated sentiment on the topic of chewing gum. And here
all along I thought y'all wanted to hear about achieving life goals,
overcoming emotional road blocks and self-defeatist thinking in
relation to weight management. Judging by the emails in my inbox about
chewing gum, I deduct that we've all been worrying, worrying worrying,
about money, about our jobs, about our mortgage and our kid's college
tuition and therefore we are all in need of some levity (or even
scarier, you really are invested in what does and does not go well
with chewing gum.)
So in order to keep the majority of my readers happy, here is the "Much
Ado About How We Chew-Part Two" Edition of my (former)Fitness
Newsletter.
A few "Find Waldo" aficinados were quick to point of that amidst the
couple hundred thousands attending Michael Jackson's Funeral, they did
spot his oldest son chawing away throughout the entire ceremony. Let's
give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was using this tool to
keep himself from crying (see my first chewing gum post).
Then there's the supplemental list of
BAD GUM Combos
1.Gum and Hair (do I have to splain this?)
2. Gum and Sleeping (See #1 as this ties in with the gum/hair combo. My
mom brainwashed us into thinking we could choke to death if we fell
asleep with gum in our mouth but the real truth is that she got tired
of cutting the wad out of our bangs the next morning.
3.Gum and Sand. Anyone who's ever grinded into the chill-inducing
sensation of sand in gum knows it only take one grain to ruin a good
chew session.Game over.
4. Gum and Tin Foil. Remember back when we only had Wrigley's? and it
came in a foil wrapper? Well if you, like me, misplaced a pack of gum
in the car for the entire summer (or found it in an old purse perhaps),
then, since you were feeling lucky,were daring enough to give it a
chew, the foil sometimes was reluctant to peel away, thus the God-Awful
spike of raw tooth nerve on tinfoil.
5.Gum and Singing. You can try it but don't be surprised if it goes flying on the high notes.
6. Gum and Hot Tea. Can you say melted mouth mess?
7. Gum and Ice Water. Opposite of melted mouth mess.
8. Gum and Kids Under Ten. It is not that they aren't responsible
chewers. They are just not responsible thrower-awayers. They don't
bother with hiding it under the table or chair or rolling it in the
original wrapper like any good mother does. Trust me on this and just
make those toddlers spit it right into your hand. It's better
than...well,see #9 and #10.
9.Gum and Hot Sidewalks. This is always from a kid under 10. Damn them.
10.Gum on Car Seats as well as it's kissing cousin, Gum on your Rear
End from sitting in the Gum on the Car Seat. I'm tellin' ya, it's a kid
everytime. It falls out and their mouth doesn't know it's gone.
11. Gum and Sex. It just not romantic. Although if you are a prostitute, I think it is probably okay.
And finally my biggest gum combo/pet peeve.
12. Gum and Holy Communion. Often I enjoy a discreet stick if the
sermon is making me sleepy but I never remember that I have it in until
I'm halfway down the aisle to receive communion. What to do? I cannot
hold it in my hand since I must present both palms face up to receive
the Body That's Been Broken For Me, (Me, the loser gum chewer). So I've
been known to roll it into a ball and affix it to the center of my forehead, my third eye
point, my highest chakra, kind of like a bindi, although I know that's
somewhat anti-Christian of me. What Would Jesus Do? I think Jesus would like this. My forehead
is usually fairly clean, therefore germ free. So the gum is good to go
as soon as I've been forgiven of my sins.(Hmm, Gum on Forehead, do you think that counts
as one?)
Next I came up with a few
GOOD GUM COMBOS
Like
Chewing Gum While The Plane Is Landing (this is the one exception
where you can allow kids to chew gum, especially if it keeps them from
screaming)
Chewing gum and Driving (preferably a road trip as the chewing alleviates boredom)
and finally
Chewing Gum and Baseball (hey, it's better than the big tobacco chew Sparky Lyle used to pack)
What does this have to do with fitness?
Nothing.
Except that chewing gum does contribute to Non-Exercise Activity
Thermogenisis, otherwise known as NEAT, which helps rev up your
metabolism.
But to hell with topics like Globesity, dysfunctional appearance
investments and how to initiate a weight loss plateau breakthrough..
Next week, I'm talking about the lastest in kitchen gadgets, the mustard/ketchup condiment gun.
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