 PENNY'S WORKOUT WORLD
"Why Hillary Clinton is Like Me"
" What Container For Drinking Water?"
"Balance & How NOT to fall down
April 25,2008 Issue#37
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Greetings!
IN MY HEAD, THERE'S A VOICE THAT I CALL THE "OTHER PENNY".
THIS CHATTERBOX IS IN A CONSTANT STATE OF LOW-LEVEL PANIC ABOUT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
THIS OTHER PENNY COMPARES EVERYTHING TO WHERE I, THE REAL PENNY, ACTUALLY RANK IN THE WORLD,
IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT THE REAL PENNY ALWAYS COMES UP SHORT.
FOR EXAMPLE, IF I AM READING THE OBITUARIES, WHICH FOR SOME SHADY, AGE-RELATED REASON I FIND MYSELF DOING THESE DAYS,
THE OTHER PENNY MENTALLY WRITES THE REAL PENNY'S OBITUARY, AS WELL AS AN OBIT FOR EVERYONE THAT BOTH OF THE PENNY'S LOVE.
THIS METHOD OF AGONIZING OVER FUTURE GRIEF IS SO I DON'T MISS OUT ON ANYTHING, EVEN CATASTROPHES THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
EVERY LITTLE EVENT CAUSES THE OTHER PENNY TO DESPAIR, AS IF BY NOT SIZING THE REAL PENNY UP AGAINST EACH BIT OF DAILY MINUTIAE, THE OTHER PENNY WILL ETERNALLY BE LABELED A SISSY OR A PHONY.
OR BOTH.
JUST YESTERDAY, I WAS SCANNING THE FRONT PAGE OF THE NEWSPAPER.
EVEN THOUGH THE REAL PENNY HAD MOVED ON TO THE STORY AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE TO FOCUS FULLY ON WORRYING ABOUT THE PRICE OF GAS,
WHICH IS TRULY A
REAL WORRY-
THE OTHER PENNY WAS NOTICING THAT
HILLARY CLINTON'S HAIRDO LOOKS EXACTLY
LIKE THE REAL PENNY!
OMG!
THE OTHER PENNY WAS NOW CLAWING AT HER HAIR, RUSHING TO THE MIRROR AND YANKING DRAWER'S OPEN TO FIND THE NEAREST HAIRBRUSH.
BUT IT ACTUALLY WAS TRUE.
HILLARY STOLE MY HAIRDO.
SO I INVESTIGATED A BIT FURTHER TO GET TO THE REAL TRUTH. I ASKED MY EIGHTH GRADE DAUGHTER IF WE LOOKED ALIKE AS I SHOWED HER THE FRONT PAGE OF THE PAPER.
THE REAL PENNY EXPECTED TO HEAR WHAT MY DAUGHTER USUALLY SAYS WHEN FACED WITH SOMETHING RIDICULOUS LIKE:
YEAH, RIGHT.
IN YOUR DREAMS.
I'M SO SURE.
NOT!
BUT WHEN MY DAUGHTER LOOKED AT THE PHOTO OF HILLARY,
THEN AT MY UPPER HEAD,
SHE SAID THE WORDS, THAT THE OTHER PENNY HAD PREDICTED,
"YEAH," SHE SAID, " YOU TWO DO KINDA LOOK ALIKE, ONLY YOUR FOREHEAD HAS MORE WRINKLES. ARE THERE ANY DORITOS LEFT? "
THE REAL PENNY THOUGHT, "SHUT UUUP!"
THIS LED TO MY NEXT THOUGHT,
WHICH WAS THAT HILLARY AND I ALSO
HAVE CANKLES.
FOR THOSE OF YOU BIRD-BONED CREATURES WHO DO NOT KNOW WHAT A CANKLE IS,
IT IS THE BODY PART
JUST BELOW THE CALF AND JUST ABOVE THE ANKLE-
THE CANKLE.
NOT EVERYONE HAS CANKLES.
I HEARD THAT JENNIFER GARNER IS NEVER PHOTOGRAPHED BELOW THE KNEE
BECAUSE SHE HAS CANKLES.
CANKLES OFTEN ACCOMPANY THICK ANKLES.
I PERSONALLY HAVE ALWAYS HAD THEM
BUT
TURNED THEM TO MY ADVANTAGE
BY BECOMING A FITNESS INSTRUCTOR.
FITNESS INSTRUCTORS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE "SOLID" AND ""MUSCULAR" OR WHAT MY MOM CALLS "STURDY" AND
WHAT MY BIG BROTHER USED TO REFER TO AS HAVING "TREE TRUNKS".
BODY BUILDERS AT THE GYM
ADMIRE MY CANKLES,
NOT BECAUSE THEY LIKE THEM ON ME,
BUT BECAUSE THEY WOULD LIKE TO HAVE THEM ON THEMSELVES.
BUT AS A GENERAL RULE,
CANKLES DO NOT SERVE
FEMALE POLITICIANS, ESPECIALLY IF THE POLITICIAN IN QUESTION ISN'T FASHION SAVVY ENOUGH TO KNOW
THAT IF YOU HAVE CANKLES,
AND YOU INSIST ON WEARING A DRESS,
IT ABSOLUTELY MUST BE A MINI-SKIRT WITH FISHNET HOSE AND FIVE-INCH STILETTOS.
IF I CAN VEER OFF AND GIVE YOU A MINI ANATOMY LESSON, CANKLES ARE NOT JUST FAT LEGS. THEY ARE A RESULT OF A LOW MUSCULAR ATTACHMENT OF THE GASTROCNEMIUS (THE BELLY OF THE CALVE) AND A SHORTER SOLEUS (THE MUSCLE JUST ABOVE THE ACHILLES TENDON) SO THAT THE BELLY OF THE CALVE IS NOT AS DIFFERENTIATED.
WOMEN THAT HAVE GREAT DRESS LEGS HAVE A CALVE MUSCLE THAT ATTACHES HIGHER ON THE LEG SO THAT THE LOWER LEG IS
TRIM-LOOKING AND TAPERED.
IN RARE CASES, THERE IS A CONDITION CALLED LIPEDEMA, AN UNUSUAL DISORDER WHERE FAT DEPOSITS IN THE LOWER EXTREMITIES ,
BUT FOR HILL AND MYSELF IT IS JUST A DARNED GENETIC PREDISPOSITION.
WE WILL NEVER BE PANTY HOSE MODELS.
BACK TO HER WORKOUT REGIME,
I HAVE EMAILED HER CAMPAIGN MANAGER
TO GET A BETTER HANDLE ON THE SPECIFICS OF HILL'S WORKOUT
BUT AS FAR AS I CAN TELL,
HER WORKOUT CONSISTS OF WALKING, TALKING,
WAVING HER HANDS AROUND WHILE TALKING AND DODGING UNSCHEDULED QUESTIONS FROM REPORTERS.
HERE IS MY RECOMMENDATION FOR MY SISTER-FRIEND.
I'M GOING TO GO AGAINST MY STANDARD ADVICE AND
SAY TO HER,
DO NOT DO SQUATS OR
BUILD YOUR LEGS WITH ANY KIND OF STRENGTH TRAINING.
WHAT SHE NEEDS IS TONS OF CARDIO, AN HOUR PLUS 4-5 TIMES PER WEEK.
THE OTHER PENNY ALSO CHIMED IN
WITH THE ADVICE THAT HILLARY
SHOULD GET A PERSONAL TRAINER.
MAYBE AN INTERN.
I'D RECOMMEND WHAT I CALL A FLAT-BELLY.
A MALE, BRAZILIAN KICKBOX INSTRUCTOR WHO PERHAPS WORKED HIS WAY THROUGH COLLEGE AS A HUNKAMANIA DANCER
(ARE INTERNS REQUIRED TO BE LEGAL CITIZENS?)
SOMEONE WHO GOT WHERE HE IS SOLELY ON HIS PHYSIQUE.
I DON'T THINK THE AMERICAN PUBLIC, OR BILL FOR THAT MATTER,
COULD COMPLAIN ABOUT
A LITTLE FITNESS SUPPORT
FOR OUR POSSIBLE FUTURE PRESIDENT.
AND ALSO, NO MORE DRESSES UNTIL ELECTION.
BUT THE HAIR LOOKS GOOD.
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CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT WATER CONTAINER TO DRINK FROM?
Cheryl Crow has gone on the record as saying that she suspects drinking from plastic water bottles as a contributing factor to her getting breast cancer.
New research has also pointed an evil finger at the Naglene plastic bottles as dangerous. They tend to leech dangerous materials into your water as the chemicals in the aging water bottle break down.
Not to mention that the world has to be overflowing with Poland Springs water bottles just from my families consumption alone!
What to do? The best advice I can give is to get a Reverse-Osmosis water cleansing system installed at home and to actually, I know this is crazy, but to actually pour the purifed water into a glass and drink from the tap.
If you can't afford a fancy water system, put one on your kitchen faucet and then run that water through another filter pitcher on your counter.
There are some very expensive"safe" water containers made of steel as well. These should soon be coming out to double as hand weights.
At any rate, drink up and stay hydrated as we enter the warmer season!
 MY NEW BOOK IS ALMOST READY!
FITNESS RANTS
FOR THE
CHRONOLOGICALLY
ENRICHED
I've got so many people,
at least six or seven so far,
wanting an official copy of my rants on the situation
I find myself in
as I fight the uphill battle
to keep active.
Why am I a fitness expert?
Mostly because I proclaimed myself one.
But, let's just say I started out 25 years ago as an overzealous aerobics instructor and suddenly, two and a half decades have passed.
I feel like I'm entitled. It's as simple as that.
I'm here to inspire you with my story,
despite my bunion and hammertoe,
despite my tight hamstrings,
my torn ACL and the fact that I can't remember my next door neighbor's first name occasionally.
Add in my lack of remaining knee cartilage ,
as well as my two artificial hips.
Maybe I should not even mention my
decreased production of collagen
and the resulting wrinkles (only when I smile, unfortunately-why can't they show when I frown?),
also the morning stiffness
and occasional night time insomnia.
Plus my denial about needing reading glasses.
"Waiter, Just bring me the Chicken Ceasar Salad."
How's that for credentials?
So I have compiled a short little book for you
to keep on your bed side table, or perhaps near your treadmill,
to remind yourself that you are not alone
and that the battle is (or will be) worth all of the effort
and to never,
never,
never give up.
No matter how hard your husband laughs at you
when he sees you in your old jog bra.
And also to sometimes recommend the prudency
of an Advil as a precautionary measure
before your first personal trainer session.
Just go to my website to read more rants
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QUICK LINKS TO PENNY'S VIDEOS
YOGA ON THE FOAM ROLLER
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REMEMBER,
GOOD HEALTH IS JUST THE SLOWEST WAY TO DIE!
Penny & My Workout World
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