"Narcissists Suck."
(C)Elle Allison. 2011
A few years ago at my high school reunion, I reminisced with a very nice man who was my steady "boyfriend" for six months, when we were just 14. Nowadays, he told me, all he wants to do is ride his tractor and farm his many fecund acres. At the time of our conversation, I was firming up plans to swap my house in New Mexico with a woman in San Francisco, whom I had never met. While my old friend is a lovely man to chat with, and I am pleased to know that he is happy, our preferred lifestyles, decades after graduation, are astonishingly incompatible. We would make an improbable match today.
Many men and women who have become wiser in love have learned what it means to try to make a relationship work with the wrong person. It is one thing to recognize that fundamental incompatibilities between really great people cannot be overcome; it is a whole other matter, however, to build a life with someone who is incapable of empathy and whose personal theme song is more likely to be "What have you done for me lately" than "Have I told you lately that I love you?"
I'm talking about narcissists, of course, who, according to the Mayo Clinic definition, have a personality disorder where the major symptoms include an inflated sense of importance, a deep need for admiration, a belief that they're superior to others and little regard for other people's feelings. The Mayo Clinic definition goes on to declare, somewhat delicately, that narcissists, "...have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life..."
Anyone who has ever tried to partner up with a narcissist will tell you that "socially distressing ways" is a polite understatement for the havoc they create. The narcissist perceives the slimmest difference of opinion or need as a personal affront, worthy of their most outrageous contempt, disdain and self centered demands. As one narcissist admitted to me, "I have an enormous ego and it is incredibly frail." Indeed, the Mayo Clinic definition goes on to caution, "...behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism."
Relationships with narcissists are one-way streets, which by definition, are not relationships at all. Wesla Westfield, a singer who beautifully performs love songs for a living, sums it up this way: "Narcissists suck." The bottom line advice from psychologists is this: best not to get involved with a narcissist in the first place. Unfortunately, however, their initial charm and confidence is such that you might find yourself deeply in love before you know what you're dealing with. Wesla offers some practical wisdom, gleaned from her own life and from years of singing about love in all of its manifestations. She says, "Remember, you are in a relationship to be happy. If you are consistently unhappy, you have to ask: what is really going on here?"
But how can you use the "happiness test" early in relationships when strong positive emotions mask ominous warning signs? Wesla says, "Present yourself loudly. Say who you are, be who you are---right from the start. Then, you can observe how the other person reacts." Wesla's point is this: if your beloved takes your unique opinions, needs and dreams as insults to theirs, you might be in for a boat load of trouble.
What are your stories about finding the right person or surviving a love affair with a full-blown narcissist? I'd love to hear your story-as do many others who want to be wiser in love. If you please, I'm happy to preserve your anonymity.
Write to me at elle@WisdomOut.com.
