JANE GOODALL: So I think we've moving [sic] or should be moving towards some kind of spiritual evolution. Where we understand without having to ask why.
 
BILL MOYERS: But "why" is the fundamental question, isn't it? I mean, isn't that one of the things that makes us human is we can ask why?
 
JANE GOODALL: Yeah, but maybe we ask too often. Maybe we should sometimes be content with just a knowing and being satisfied with the knowing, without saying, "Why do I know?" (From Bill Moyers PBS interview with Jane Goodall, November 2009)

About not asking "why" when it comes to love...

Acceptance, without strings attached, enhances romantic relationships.  It is tempting to say, "Duh."  But why, then, do so many people who are great in other areas of their life struggle in romantic relationships?    

Rob claims that Margaret, his wife of fifteen years, does not know all the ins and outs of his life but still, she completely "gets him."  She knows how he ticks even if she doesn't know what makes him tick.  Rob likes it that way.  He says Margaret does not require explanations, justifications and elaborate defenses for why he does what he does or believes what he believes. My friends Cindy and Simon, who are about to celebrate their sixth year of marriage, agree. They call it being easy going and they say this takes away the crazy drama.

Anna, on the other hand, says of her partner Mike, "Some days I'd just as soon knock him into next week as have to explain myself to him one more time."  Anna is exhausted and frustrated from having to justify herself before she gains acceptance from Mike. "What would be nice," says Anna, "is if I didn't have to canvas so hard for my dreams, for my goals, for what I want."  Anna is not asking Mike to submissively agree with her when he in fact disagrees.  Instead, she is asking for acceptance for her perspectives, judgments, and OK, yes, for her feelings. Mike, on the other hand, wants to know why Anna arrived at her ideas and perspectives.  Anna says it is as if he is looking for the holes in her thinking in order to badger her into a different conclusion.  "For once, I just want him to accept me."

A 2009 study by Monique Pollmann and Catrin Finkenauer, both from Amsterdam, favors the approach used by Margaret and Rob.  Pollmann and Finkenauer assessed levels of understanding versus levels of knowledge in 199 newly wed couples.  They conclude, "Subjectively feeling that one understands and is understood by one's partner appears to be more important to relationship well-being than actually knowing and being known by one's partner."

I went back to the first couple, Margaret and Rob, and asked them to tell me what happens when they disagree.  I wondered if under stress, they resort to strenuous interrogation of each other the way many other couples do.  They had to think about this and wanted a few days to check it out.  "Nope," they told me a week later.  "We still start with understanding. We deal with the issues but we accept the ideas, and the person, behind the issues."

Here is a practical way you can experiment with these ideas in your own life:

1.  For one day or one week, don't ask your partner questions that start with the word "why."   "Why" questions tend to provoke justification, regret, and even blame.  They have a sting to them that can be counterproductive within intimate relationships. 

2.  Try this instead:  Replace "why" questions with this simple request:  "Tell me more about that."  See what happens and as always, let me know.  I'm interested in you and your wisdom stories.  Drop me a note or give a call.  elle@wisdomout.com or 505.235.0665.