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Greetings!
So, anyway, I keep getting calls from anxious BobBattleLaw.com Newsletter fans wondering when I would get off my tuckus and my first new newsletter of 2009 would finally arrive in their inboxes. My standard response was "When the stock market goes up 2 days in a row!" Well, after yesterday's +3 dribble (maybe someday soon we'll be shouting "BUY BUY" instead of "BYE BYE!"), here it is.
So for all you social networkers whose email has been littered with people "poking" you, throwing "beads" or "snowballs" at you or, my personal least favorite, sending you a Facebook email to confirm that they wrote their own book! If you aren't sure whether you wrote your own book, don't email me- try either a plaigiarism lawyer or alzheimer's lawyer. Hey, I'm a big kidder, but may I say in all sincerity- GET A LIFE!
But I digress, I must begin this newsletter with a shocking and timely St. Patrick's Day announcement from the Virginia Division of Motor Vehicles...
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News Flash from VA DMV: "St. Patrick's Day Celebrations Usually Include Alcohol."
A Virginia Division of Motor Vehicles Press Release dated March 11, 2009 declares "St. Patrick's Day Celebrations Usually Include Alcohol." Really? Who knew?
Thank you Captain Obvious. But seriously ladies and germs... if you're going out to drink a few green beers on St Paddy's Day, don't drive or you may wind up in the Paddy wagon! The Press Release goes on to recommend that you "always have a designated sober driver." Again, sage advice- your drinking buddy, you know, the Irish, ruddy-faced, pot bellied Notre Dame grad who is President of the local Ancient Order of Hibernians, who not only has just hurled into his plastic green bowler hat but has put it back on his head- not a good choice to drive you home! (By the way, the description of "your drinking buddy" is the description of the target market for this newsletter and accurately describes about 50% of our readership.)
NEW SOBRIETY TEST FOR MARCH 17: If you find yourself at a pub and you not only are singing the words to the Unicorn Song, but you are making the green alligator, the long neck geese, the humpty back camel, etc. gestures with your hands, you are definitely too drunk to drive.
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iPhone Apps for iDiots
Once you go Mac, you'll never go back. In December, I took the plunge and switched to a totally Mac office. I am glad I did and the transition on the law side was much easier than I could have imagined, thanks to an angel. I am talking about The MacAngel, Marni Melrose, a certified Daylite software consultant and David Allen "Getting Things Done" disciple. Marni has worked with many lawyers and will customize the software to fit your practice and your life. (Click the link to learn more about Marni the MacAngel.) But enough about business, let's talk about all those Apps for iPhone. My 2 favorites for iMmature iDiots like myself  - the iBeer and the iFart. The iBeer actually looks like a beer is filling up your "glass" complete with a reasonable sized head. (Unlike the "all foam beer" produced by the "shaken, not stirred" keg transported to the Kollege kegger by your knucklehead buddy who dropped the keg early and often after making a beer run.) As you simulate drinking the beer (it even works for the infamous Marquette over the head chug), the beer leaves the glass and, when it is all done, a loud burp is emitted from your iPhone. BRILLIANT! Anyway, I was going to contact the company and suggest they offer a green version for St. Patrick's Day, when, lo and behold, they sent me for free the new & improved iBeer. It has green beer and stout beer colors in addition to the golden varieties. Great minds think alike. Speaking of great minds, the iFart App has a huge variety of fart sounds to choose from, including "The Wipe Out," Burrito Maximo," and "Laundry Day." The iFart can be set to "Security Fart," which will emit a fart sound when someone picks up your iPhone, or to "Sneak Attack," which will play your chosen fart sound after a certain time period. This brings us to 2 proven differences between men and women. First, as Jay Leno says, "All guys think 'The 3 Stooges' show was hilarious. All women think they were 'The 3 Assholes.' " Difference number 2- are farts funny? Total number of iFart Apps sold to guys, MILLIONS; total number sold to women, ZERO!
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Local Kids Lose all their Hair, but they are to be praised, not pitied
(So, you thought you were going to make it through 1 edition of my Newsletter without hearing a pitch for a worthy kids charity- not happening today, pal.) 2nd grader Andy Logan is a classmate and buddy of my son Conor. He has a big smile that will light up a room. He also has a big heart. A few years ago, to support and raise money for children with cancer, Andy decided to shave his head for the St. Baldrick's Charity event. The participants get people to pledge money to those who shave their heads. The mission of the St. Baldrick's Foundation is to raise awareness and funds to cure kids' cancer by supporting cancer research and fellowships. Anyway, last year, Andy convinced younger brother Luke and dad Matt to shave their heads as well. (Matt is off looking for a hat in the photo above.) A big Bob-L Head thumbs up to the Logan boys. Click the link to learn more about or contribute to St. Baldrick's Foundation.
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Coming next Newsletter:- Caricature of Bob with Bob-L Head unveiled
- Extreme Office Makeover (Camouflage Conference room, pictures of Grapes getting busted for DUI, famous quotes painted on the walls)
- Coaching Conor- wrap up of Wildcat 2nd Grade Basketball Season. (Yeah, we're "on the bubble" waiting to see if we get to "punch our ticket" and be "a Cinderella" at "the big dance." By the way, a great drinking game this time of year is to watch a college hoops game and everyone drinks when one of the overused, hackneyed expressions in quotes mentioned in the previous sentence is uttered by the "Bracketologist." Yeesh!)
Sincerely,
Bob Battle
Robert E. Battle, P.C.
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