"Never too old, never too sick, never too bad, never too late to start from scratch and begin again."

- Bikram Choudhury

 

"What are you?"  I've been asked this question, in some form or other, on maybe a weekly basis since around the age of 5.  The age when my peers seemed to suddenly notice I was different.  Specifically that I'm not white.  But I'm also not black, or yellow.  I'm brown.  Both my parents are immigrants: Specifically, my father's from Mexico and my mother's  from Austria.  As a young girl I never had much success explaining that to all the kids who tormented me on the playground, and I soon stopped trying.
It might have been a bigger deal for me than for other brown kids because I was also the only brown person in my family. I am the result of an affair.  I've never met my biological father and my mother never talks about him. Although I was mostly ignored by my family growing up and left to fend for myself, I was thrilled when I was old enough to understand the abusive, alcoholic man I grew up with as dad is not my biological father.  Everything about my existence started out as shameful - and stayed that way for enough decades that reversing this shame is still something I work on. 

 

Not surprisingly, I don't consider myself Mexican or Austrian.  Although both of my parents are immigrants,  I simply consider myself an American.  I was born in California and raised in Colorado.  Geography isn't the real issue, though.  Given my family dynamics and the trouble I had fitting in with my peers, I was forever longing to be loved and mentored by someone, anyone. I was not the media's or my family's ideal of what a person should look or act like.  The voices of my schoolyard tormenters had found a way to become a permanent part of my psyche, haunting me well into my teens and early twenties.  I didn't have the resources or tools to deal with my destructive thoughts, and with puberty - like so many other girls - I discovered ways to channel my self-loathing into my physical being.  I was hospitalized several times due to complications from eating disorders and drug and alcohol abuse.  It was an ugly, vicious cycle: destructive thoughts leading to destructive behavior, which just led to more self-loathing.  I was lonely and had never found a place to belong, and I became withdrawn and profoundly depressed.

Throughout all of the turmoil, I found solace in solitary sport of swimming.  I loved the silence in the water. Somehow,  I was able to earn an athletic scholarship at a Division One school.  (I'm still kind of surprised.)  As a result, swimming enabled me to become the first person in my family to earn a college degree.  Along the way, I learned that I was good at inspiring and teaching children and adults to swim.  Miraculously, despite never having a mentor myself, I began helping young girls set and achieve both athletic and academic goals.  It was amazing how helping them was life-giving to me. 

However, despite all of my athletic successes, I was living a double life. I still doubted myself and had emancipated myself from my family in the meantime. I didn't have all of the tools necessary to cope with the many stressful situations in life without drugs or alcohol. My bad habits nearly killed me ( again) and it finally sank in that I needed to find more positive ways to cope.

 

After college, I went off to work in the corporate world for 14 years.  I had achieved my dream job and worked in a fashionable, fast paced industry.  Everything in my life looked good from the outside:  I had a good job and had married a great guy. Despite my completed mental life checklist, there was no doubt that something was missing.  With my own circumstances so fortunate, I continued to help those who weren't.  I started volunteering with various organizations: PAWS (Progressive Animal Welfare Society), the Treehouse (a free store for foster children to "shop" for basic necessities), and Girls on the Run (an organization that promotes running and health in preteen girls).  I also knew that I still had work to do on myself -- mentally, physically, and spiritually -- and so I began practicing various forms of yoga several times a week. 

For the past few years, Bikram studios had always been a small refuge for me, and although I had been practicing several different styles over the last 10 years, it was Bikram Yoga that really kept me grounded.

Before Bikram, I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror.  All I could see were things I needed to change. I thought I had to be among the most flexible in order to receive benefits from the poses.  So for the first week or so I disliked the classes so much and wanted to run out of the room. In addition to feeling hot, sweaty and uncomfortable, I felt exposed. I was forced to confront my biggest opponent - Myself.  But because my teachers told me to come back tomorrow at the end of class, I kept coming back.  Gradually, as I discovered a moving meditation and calmness of mind, my inner criticism became constructive and my discomfort in class disappeared at some point I felt comfortable coming to class almost daily.  I had finally found the quiet mind and self love I had been searching for my entire life.

The Pranayama breathing series taught me to breathe slowly and deliberately in a challenging atmosphere.  The connections among my body, thoughts, and emotions began to make sense.  Keeping a calm breath - and mind - in a hot, humid yoga studio, surrounded by others, has directly translated to my staying more calm and relaxed in the stressful situations of life.  I have learned that only by showing compassion for myself and being present in my own life can I be loving and compassionate to others. I love how Bikram Yoga forces me to stay present and forget about the past and future for 90 minutes.

 

Like Gandhi said, "you must be the change you want to see in the world."  I found your yoga has given me the focus I need to continue helping those less fortunate.  I currently volunteer most of my free time working in animal shelters and rehabilitating homeless cats and dogs.  I've also found satisfaction in continuing to mentor and coach disadvantaged urban girls; here my goal has been to help them to integrate their mind and body, which among other things will hopefully give them skills they'll need to avoid the destructive ways of dealing with societal pressures I fell victim to. 

I realized that spending 12-14 hours a day in a cubicle working on spreadsheets was incompatible with maintaining my health. With the support of my husband and friends, I started on a path to a more meaningful life.  Part of the recovery was the realization that my current job supplied each paycheck in exchange for a small amount of my soul.  I was so inspired by the instructors I practiced with that I worked up the courage to quit my day job in order to dedicate myself full-time to more meaningful pursuits: working with animals, helping more-disadvantaged people in my community, and practicing & teaching yoga. 

 

I'm brown and I will always be brown.  I still have to endure racist comments and insecurities from time to time.  Just like the discomfort of a posture I'm "not feeling" on a given day in the hot, humid studio, the awkward feelings pass.  They always do.  I think about how many people in my life have been inspired by my transformation.  Practicing Bikram yoga on a regular basis has been a life-changing experience, creating a cycle in which my thoughts, emotions, and body improve one another.  The self-sabotage, which was cultivated over decades, is receding.  I feel like anything is possible.  I am a better wife, daughter, sister, and friend.  Forgiveness and compassion- the miracle that Bikram yoga has helped me find - has also helped me enjoy my interactions with others.  As a Bikram instructor, I will continue to give back to my community. I hope to use my experience and contacts as a volunteer to reach out to the many suffering and at-risk individuals in my community.  I will be able to pass on the gift that transformed my life to those who need it most. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

 

Kimberly is now into week two at Bikram Teacher Training in San Diego. She can be found practicing (and soon teaching) at both studios.