I've never been good at exercise. For a long time, I didn't understand why anyone would choose to exercise at all if they didn't have to do so. For me, it was a necessary evil since I was, by medical standards, "morbidly obese." My top recorded weight was 263, although I am sure at times that it was much higher than that. Having dieted since the age of 5, I'd made many attempts to lose weight, ranging from over-exercising and near-starvation to a more sensible regimen with oversight from a certified nutritionist and personal trainer. Having no significant, lasting success, in September 2005, I made the difficult decision to have lap-band weight loss surgery. During the following year or so, I lost 100 pounds.
I had done some other yoga that year, geared toward overweight women. Though I'd heard of Bikram Yoga, I had a huge fear of it, and like all exercise, I assumed it was not intended for "fat girls" like me - even though at that point, my weight was down to around 190 pounds, putting me in the merely "obese" category at 5'7" tall.
One Sunday morning in September 2006, I ventured to my first Bikram class. Our dear Nina was at the desk and taught me my first class. I'm sure I was a quite a sight...in my long-sleeve shirt that promised to "wick away all sweat!" Though I felt clumsy, and found myself crying more than once because it was so hard, Nina encouraged me. "Jenn, you're doing great!" I thought to myself, "Really? You've got to be kidding! This is 'great'?" But I came back. I figured if anyone said I did "great" at a form of exercise, it was a sign! Plus, it seemed that my Tree Pose looked pretty good, and in Fixed Firm, I could go all the way down! Not to mention my world-class Savasana (kidding, kind of...). I had 3 of 26 - I had hope!
After some starts and stops, in October 2007 I did my own personal 60-day challenge, and then went on to attend Bikram Yoga Teacher Training in April, 2008. I had a goal was to use my body to do something really hard and physical, a capstone to my huge weight loss project. I didn't want to run a marathon or climb a mountain, so when the opportunity to go to teacher training emerged, it was a clear choice. While I wanted to teach, attending teacher training was moreso a personal mission: To do what this former-fat-girl had never done before!
As I embarked on my journey, I tried to follow the advice I hear (and now give) in class: keep a clear, unbiased mindset and let events unfold naturally; in short, do my best without self-judgment or expectations. I could not have asked for a stronger, healthier experience over my 9 weeks there. My body surprised me and held up magnificently! During one of my last classes, I remember before Pranayama, looking at my strong, amazing body in the mirror and thinking to myself how that was actually ME standing there, just days away from being a Bikram Yoga teacher. I took that moment to thank my body for being on my side by being strong, trustworthy, healthy and consistent.
And then it hit me: Bikram Yoga brought my body and me together! We were a team! We worked together on a huge project for the first time! I cried many times during that class too, but these tears were so different than those shed in my first class. For 37 years my body and I fought against each other. And here I was, at 163 pounds in a two-piece yoga outfit, not just liking but LOVING the reflection I saw in the mirror, finishing something I could never have imagined doing when I weighed 100 pounds more!
Since then, each time I take to my mat, I am grateful to my body and the fact that we are finally friends. I love Bikram yoga for keeping my body at a healthy weight and I don't do any other exercise, other than occasional walks around Greenlake. But more than that, it keeps my body, mind and heart working as a team!
Jenn can be found teaching and practicing at both SweatBox studios.
