A Theory About Why Adults Find Life-on-Life Relationships with the Emerging Generation So Difficult--and What to Do About It
Have you ever wondered why even
eager adults have a difficult time
reaching out to the emerging generation in a life-on-life fashion? Ironically, sometimes pastors and teachers have the hardest time of all. Teachers, especially, I've found, are not naturally good mentors.
In talking this over the PTBI staff devised a theory
about why life-on-life relationships are so hard-and what we can do about it. I
develop the idea in my new book, Living
Life-on-Life. Here's a sneak preview.
Postures vs. Gestures
The theory is based on an analogy of postures vs.
gestures that we learned from Andy Crouch in his book, Culture Making, in which he uses the word "posture" as a
metaphor for how people engage culture:
Our posture is our
learned but unconscious default position, our natural stance. It is the
position our body assumes when we aren't paying attention, the basic attitude
we carry through life.
An Analogy from Women's Footwear
Odd examples are the easiest to remember, right? Here's one for you. It has been common in recent decades for
women in the workplace to wear high heels every single day. Unfortunately, when
a woman wears high-heeled shoes, her Achilles tendons are compressed. If these
tendons are compressed repetitively over a long time, they can actually
shorten.
The result is that many older women who wore
fashionable high-heeled pumps every day of their adult lives are so physically
changed that wearing flat shoes can cause unbearable discomfort. Many companies
making geriatric women's shoes account for this physical alteration by making
the heel of the shoe higher than the toe-giving it a little lift to accommodate
the changed foot and calf structure.
Why Life-on-Life is Hard for Adults
The same thing happens with our defining roles in life. Someone
in the role of teacher is likely to use the physical gesture of standing in
front of a group and talking. Put a teacher into a mentoring relationship, and
it is easy for him or her to take on the posture of teaching. The problem: teaching
is a great gesture but a horrible posture.
The goal in living life-on-life is to take on an
open relational posture that can easily accommodate different relational
gestures. Think of Chinese martial artists who begin each encounter with a horse-riding
stance or a bow stance, from which hundreds of movements are possible. Starting
from such a stance expresses a readiness--indeed, an expectation--to interact
in a certain way.
Seven Relational Gestures You
Can--And Should--Master
Here are some common relational gestures that adults
should master to pass the baton of godly faithfulness to the next generation:
-
Friendship: being a faithful confidant
and sounding board to another person.
-
Advising: using your experience to guide
a person to greater success.
-
Coaching: listening, asking powerful
questions and helping another person take responsibility for his own success.
-
Discipling: helping someone grow in his
faith walk.
-
Sponsoring: putting your reputation on
the line to advance the opportunities of another person.
-
Teaching: explaining truth in a
compelling and actionable fashion.
-
Hospitality: being vulnerable by
inviting another person into a safe relational and physical space.
Remember:
Varied Gestures
Make for Stronger Posture
Each of these seven
relational gestures has been used throughout the ages with astounding results.
Remember, though, that they are merely gestures, not postures. If they become
fixed too firmly, if one or the other tends to dominate your relationships, you
might be missing opportunities for personal growth and short-circuiting the
process of really being with others in a life-on-life fashion.
So...what do you think of the theory? Does it explain things for you? E-mail me your thoughts and stories at jeff@passingthebaton.org
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